Kiss Me, My Pretty
by DewdropLotus
Summary: An accident in the science department has Timcanpy in love with a familiar grouchy swordsman. Now the only way to make the stupid golem go away, is to show it affection. Humorous TimcanpyxKanda. Yeah, I went there. -eventualYullen
1. Boiling Point

A/N: Yes. I went there. Sorry for Typos and the like.

**Kiss Me, My Pretty**_  
>Part One<em>

It could be heard down the hall, echoing up the walls and even seeping through the cracks beneath the doors to people's bedrooms. The sound was a strange one. It was like a searing shriek, followed by an uncomfortable grunt and the sound of lots of glass shattering. There was no shadow of a doubt the source of the sound had some from the records room, where many of the science department's projects were stored. There was no doubt that the deep shrieks had come from a younger male and with certainty, the loud angry growling came from their very own angry swordsman.

"What in the blazing blue fucks did you just do, you idiot!"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. God that looks like it hurts…" A flustered voice replied to the pain-lace snarl. He hurriedly jumped to grab a towel, dropping it in cool water to ease the boiling water off the exposed skin of his fellow exorcist. He was promptly met with that exorcist's fist in his face.

"Eeeeehn…You fucking second degree burned half of my torso, you fucking….fuck," gritted the victim of another science department accident. He knew it would take just a couple hours for the damned wound to heal, but that didn't mean it hurt any less. Truthfully, he preferred being hacked up. At least the adrenaline shot to slice wounds and numbed them. Burns were excruciating for hours, especially liquid burns.

"It was an accident Kanda…I didn't even know it was there! How was I supposed to know they kept boiling water in here! Hey, quit squirming! I'm trying to help you!"

"I'm squirming because it hurts you fucking….FUUUUUUUUH."

Allen jumped back at the loud outburst, his hands immediately moving to defend from the two fists that took turns attempting to flatten his face again. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to press too hard!"

"I. will. kill….you…beansprout…ugh," Kanda threatened with all he had, but he leaned forward and focused on making the burning sensations less prominent in his mind. As much as he tried to focus, he found his thoughts completely shattered by a spot of pressure on his shoulder; right into the worst part of his burn. He twitched and grabbed the object causing him more strife.

Clutched in his hand was a small ball-like golem, glittering gold, and fluttering helplessly between his fingers. "Timcanpy….The fuck do you think you're doing….."

"Tim….don't bother BaKanda, he'll likely try to break you," Allen made to retrieve Timcanpy, but the little golden golem fluttered in what could only be assumed to be…protest? "Tim?"

Kanda released his hold on the stupid damn thing and it fluttered straight back at him, nesting affectionately into his hair. If the dark haired man ever felt angry towards a damn golem, it was at that particular moment. "Beansprout, what the fuck is your retard pet doing?"

"…I…I don't know…Tim…" Allen had to circle around Kanda a few times before he was able to see the backside of his golem. A little red stamp was place directly on the back of him. "…Tim? What is this?" He made to reach for it, but Timcanpy opened his jaws and took a bite into a finger.

"….Ow…." Allen tried to make it look like he wasn't hurt by that…physically or emotionally.

"Oh dear…That's not good at all."

That voice caused Allen to slowly turn his gaze and Kanda snapped his head like he was still on fire.

"I don't like the sound of that."

"What's not good at all, you bastard!"

"This stamp is from one of our old experiments. Dear me, Tim must have fallen into it when you punched him across the room when the water fell on you."

"I punched him?" Kanda asked curiously, turning his head a bit.

"That's what that god awful shriek was."

"…Okay, so what is this thing on Tim? And how can I get if off of him," Allen asked, leaning close and trying to inspect the state of the mark without being bitten.

"Well, originally, it was supposed to be a patch that would release agents through the skin to clear stress and balance hormone levels to make workers happier, but it had a few side effects."

"Side effects?" Both exorcists spoke in deadpan unison. They seemed completely unaware of the frequency at which they did that, but it wasn't Komui's place to be amused at that particular moment…even if he was just a little.

"Well…It had a strange…infatuation side effect."

"Explain." The sharp end of a sword pressed very close to Komui's neck and Allen had to try and wrench Kanda away from lopping the scientist's head clean off.

Crossing his arms in contemplation, Komui considered the best way to relay the information and still be alive enough to escape the room. Failing at a 'best scenario', he simply sighed to answer, "It caused the user to fall in love with the first thing it saw after being affected."

A long, mind shattering silence fell over the occupants of the room.

A twitch started to make presence over Kanda's right eye when the information sunk in. Taking into consideration that Timcanpy was biting Allen, while perched on his head… "Oh…hell…no. This isn't going to work for me." He was trying so hard not to breathe fire with the rage in him that was boiling hotter than what gave him the burns that caused this.

"How long will it take for it to wear off?"

"About that, all you have to do is show it affection in return. It makes the user happy, and the seal disappears. He'll follow you around everywhere until you do."

Kanda's eyes narrowed until he felt the muscles in his head protest. He grabbed the damned thing from his hair and squeezed it in his hand, threatening to break it. "You'll find another way to fix this."

"I can try, but I really don't know what we can do immediately. I'll have to search for the notes on that one."

This answer…it displeased the angry Japanese man and he released Timcanpy, who floated in place. With the swiftest punch anyone in that room had ever seen, Kanda's fist cracked into Tim and sent the golem flying directly into Komui's face. "**Fix this now,**" his voice leaked a venom that threatened to kill everything that heard the sultry tones. Without waiting for any responses, he turns on his heel and exited the room. The door slammed so hard that books fell out of the shelf nearby.

A little flutter of movement was seen before dissolved himself under the door, following after Kanda.

"Please…do _something_, Komui…" Allen pleaded with those doe eyes of his. "I kinda….like Tim…"

"I'll try Allen. He can reform himself, so Kanda can't really break hi—" His words were cut off when a bullet-like projectile of Timcanpy slammed through the wood of the door and imbedded into the bookshelf just next to his face. "…I'll get right on that."

**To Be Continued…**

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><p><em>AN: A little bit of side fun for those waiting on my other story. Hints of Yullen be present at some point. It'll be a shorter piece.  
><em>


	2. Intolerance

_A/N: To those wondering what this marvelous pairing should be shortened to, I vote Kandpy. _

**Kiss Me, My Pretty**_  
>Part Two<em>

"Just give it a big ol' smooch and it'll go away, Yuu."

"Stop calling me that and fuck off, if you would," came the expected angry grunt. Sitting outside was possibly the prettiest guy in the Order…with the ugliest expression imaginable. If he was able to kill people with his glares alone, he imagined he'd be the only person left on that miserable continent.

The redhead bit his lip before countering, "It's just a golem. It's not like he's gonna tell on you."

Kanda turned to Lavi, his hand wrapping around Tim, squeezing the damnable thing. "Timcanpy, repeat what this retard just said please?"

Without hesitance, Tim's jaws opened, revealing a long line of sharp teeth. From within the strange golem's body came a projection that showed an image of Lavi as he'd appeared from Tim Vision just moments before. Lavi watched the image of him being replayed and went back to chewing on his lip, "Okay, you've made your point. But it's Tim…"

"It's **beansprout's** creature. I will not give him leverage over me. Not now, not ever. Both of them can fuck right off, along with you."

"Yuu….Just calm down. Timcanpy is kind of useful and trying to kill it won't solve anything."

Tim flittered out of Kanda's hand and moved into his face before he was able to stop the thing. His dark blue eyes stared down the faceless flying ball. The urge to crack his fist into it again almost came over him and the muscles in his arm twitched. Tim's little…arm looking protrusions touched his face and Lavi—watching curiously—could have sworn it was Tim…face hugging Kanda.

Lavi had to fight real hard to keep that chuckle down.

"Goddamn you!" Kanda's hands smacked together with Timcanpy in between them. "**I will not submit to you, you fuckass.**"

"Fuckass?" Lavi echoed, amused by the colorful turn of language he'd been getting out of Kanda since he'd walked up on the situation involving Timcanpy's infatuation with the man.

"Yes, fuckass. Now **you**," he turned to the eye-patched man with his own eyes narrowed dangerously. "Go find beansprout, or disappear. Those are your options."

"If I leave to find beansprout, then wouldn't I be disappearing anyway?"

The glare turned fire hot and Lavi almost shrunk back from the severity of that evil eye. Though, Tim's ability to kill the mood was starting to set in, with him nuzzling Kanda's abusive hands as best he could with his little body held captive. "Go away or die."

"Okay okay, just…don't get too fresh with him while I'm gone. Tim's just an innocent golem. And you're not very gentle, Yuu."

Within a split second, Kanda was up off the ground and chasing Lavi down. Lavi hastily jumped up to the second story balcony that was just above the entrance to the building. He was very mistaken to think he was safe, however, when Tim's body—once again propelled by the mighty fist of Kanda—vaulted into the back of his head and knocked him right in through the balcony door. "Take that fucking thing with you!" The shout was heard, but Timcanpy was already returning to his abusive 'lover-to-be'.

"Ow…" Lavi grunted and sat up from the heap he'd been haphazardly tossed in. "What a punch. I'm glad I'm not Tim…my head would have popped off like a button."

"Lavi?"

"Hurrhn?" The green eye turned at the sound of the feminine voice. "Oh hi, Lenalee."

"What's going on?"

"You haven't heard yet?" His grin widened more than it should. Telling everyone was probably going to get him a one way ticket to Kanda's version of hell—which truthfully scared him more than actual hell, if it existed.

"Haven't heard what yet?"

"Well, you see. Yuu's kinda got a new suitor."

"**Suitor?**"

"Oh yeah, you should check it out," a snicker escaped half way through his invitation to check out the terrific scene below.

Lenalee leaned out the balcony that the redhead had just stumbled in through. Her eyes searched out the dark haired figure that Lavi had mentioned. It was clear—even from where she was—that he was in some sort of exaggerated distress. Twice she saw him swing his fist and it wasn't until the second time that she'd realized he wasn't just swinging at the dead air. Timcanpy fluttered in front of him again and received the same fist. "Goddamnit, go away!"

Her mind quickly connected the current state of his mood, the creature in front of him and what the hammer-user had said. "…L…Lavi…you don't mean…?"

"Oh yeah~. Timcanpy found his one true love~."

She moved one of her hands up to cover her mouth to stifle her chuckles. There was that nervous feeling that Kanda could hear through ten feet of brick wall if someone was laughing at any massive hit to his pride. "How…did that…" She ducked a little lower to avoid being obvious. Kanda appeared quite preoccupied, however. "Hey Lavi…what's wrong with his skin?"

"Apparently beansprout knocked boiling water over him, that's why he looks like he's been cooked. I just learned all of this like twenty minutes ago myself. I walked outside and he was swearing Timcanpy all up and down. From what I gathered, Tim got infected with another one of those science department oopsie experiments."

"Why does that not surprise me," she sighed and shook her head. Her eyes opened again and she met the dark ones belonging to the current subject of conversation. A chill went up her spine at the way he looked like he was ready to off anyone who even thought of looking in on his crisis. She turned away and walked back into the building and out of sight of the balcony. "He's not taking this well. He's actually scary right now…"

"For Lenalee to say that~. He must be scarier than Akuma."

"I feel for poor Timcanpy."

"I feel for poor Allen. I'm about to go find him. Yuu said he just walked out—but, I think that's a paraphrasing of Yuu having a pissy fit and storming off without thinking. So now Allen's probably lookin' for him anyway."

"Good luck, Lavi. Stay out of Kanda's way, if you don't wanna get hurt."

"Will do~" He grinned and took off passed her to find Allen. Hopefully Allen could help coax Timcanpy away from the demon swordsman and maybe it would stop Yuu from giving himself brain damage from too much seething.

He could still hear Yuu's shouting from the hall.

"Would you stop that! Get out my hair! **I mean that literally.**" His fist curled around one of the wing 'ears' and he yanked the damn thing from his head. Tim's tail curled around his wrist and up his arm, squeezing it lightly. A twitch nearly took over the side of Kanda's face, "If that's your attempt at feeling me up, then I will **find** a way to end you."

Tim merely nuzzled his hand as best he could while dangling from the one little wing.

"You are just as annoying as the little shit you follow around. Go back to _him_."

The golem didn't even seem to acknowledge Kanda's growling.

"**This is bullshit,**" he seethed fiercely.

**To Be Continued…**

* * *

><p><em>AN: Suffer Kanda. _Suffer._ Tim loves you. _

_Thank you to those who dropped a review. xD This little mini story needed to be made to balance myself out from writing so much ANGST recently. This is just proof I have too much time to think about this kind of stupid shit. Pffft. _


	3. Impulse

**Kiss Me, My Pretty**_  
>Part Three<em>

When he finally tracked the seething man down, Allen had already run himself out of breath. Panting ungracefully, his face had contorted into the one of annoyance that he seemed to save especially for Kanda Yu. He supposed it was his fault the whole thing happened, but if the Japanese man would cool his jets a little, he thought they could get more done. Or at least try to figure out a way to keep Timcanpy from annoying Kanda into seizures.

He found them in the dining hall; tucked away in a corner as much out of sight as possible. And Allen could suddenly see why Kanda was making his attempts to go unnoticed. He was wearing a rage-face at Timcanpy, who was floating around in front of him...carrying some part of the man's meal—chopsticks it appeared. He had to resist the urge to laugh, but at the same time, he could see that the other man was wearing down from being constantly harassed, while still sporting hot-looking burns down his shoulder and neck.

Allen sighed. At the same time of feeling like Kanda deserved that times ten over, he did feel a little guilty. He'd disrupted the man's usual habit of being an unlikeable dick and made him into an _angry_ unlikeable dick. He approached as quietly as he could so that he wouldn't piss Kanda off to the point of taking his anger out on him. Oh, he could hold his own against BaKanda; but he didn't really want to have to fight, much less knowing he wasn't above playing dirty against Kanda and would likely hit him in his fresh burns. Especially since the man refused any medical treatment. Sometimes he wondered if Kanda got off on being in pain all the time.

The white haired boy spied Kanda grabbing the air for Timcanpy, balling his fist up every time the little golem escaped his reach. "Would you just give that back? I want to eat in peace, you fucking thing."

Timcanpy floated out of his grasp again, flitting up to his head and nesting into his hair, with the chopsticks in the grasp of his tail. For a good minute all Kanda saw was white. His anger hit his brain so hard that he actually wondered if he'd killed himself with his own fury. His fingers closed around Tim once more and he slammed the golem into the table, making the whole thing shake. Before he could even open his mouth to scream another obscenity, he felt freezing cold liquid pour down his back.

On second thought, he still screamed the obscenity.

"Oh god, I'm so…so sorry! I…I didn't…mean…I was…startled…"

Allen would have recognized that poor helpless tone even if he hadn't seen Miranda. He couldn't blame the poor woman. He himself was a little startled when Kanda put the smack-down on Tim. It was a sudden motion that wasn't quiet either. Being that Miranda was more timid than most, it was inevitable that she might jump from it. That she spilled ice-water down him was…unfortunate.

He'd half expected Kanda to take it out on Miranda, so he made a quick advance to get between them if necessary, but he stopped when he realized Kanda wasn't moving at all. "…Kanda?" He questioned quietly, making his presence now known and giving Miranda a chance to escape before the situation resulted in fatalities.

Without a response or even turning his head to cast a hateful glance at Allen, the older man balled his fist up…and put it through the table. Allen jumped back, slightly afraid of this psychotic Kanda. "H…hey, calm down. It's…okay…"

An eerily calm voice replied, "I missed."

"Huh?"

"I **missed**," he repeated when Timcanpy casually floated up in front of him, going to his face to cuddle on it while his arm was imbedded into the table.

"Tim…leave Kanda alone…you're going to seriously drive him up a wall...If he isn't up there already…" Allen reached for Tim, but it floated away from him.

"Do something about this, beansprout."

"I'm trying, BaKanda. But he keeps running away from me!" Allen growled a response to the man's inability to cooperate for five seconds. "And get your arm out of the table."

Silence followed.

"Are you listening to me?"

Kanda's eyes cast up at Timcanpy casually and he looked back down at his arm that had yet to be pulled back. He could feel the discomfort already set in and he somewhat regretted his impulsive attempt to flatten Timcanpy into dust. "Tch."

The younger man made an annoyed face, "Did you just 'tch' me?" He leaned forward and took Kanda's elbow in his hand and pulled him back by force. It was then that he took note of the blood running down the big moron's arm. "You are a dumbass," he said non-too-politely.

"There was a reason I was holding it there, you dumbshit. Now let me go! I already have enough _creatures_ touching me inappropriately."

There was a temporary fear that he was going to break his teeth with how Allen was grinding his jaws together. Only BaKanda could be such a jerk at a consistent rate of one hundred percent of the time. "We need to get it wrapped up."

"Tch. I'll wash it, it'll go away. The end. Now let me go, you cursed beansprout."

"My name happens to be Allen, Bakanda. But I appreciate your _pet name_. I'm sure you reserve them for people who are very dear to you."

And the fight began.

Allen didn't mean to stir him up like that, but sometimes that idiot was able to break every polite bone in his body and as a result, ended up resulting in a pissing match over absolutely everything they ever did together.

"If it wasn't for your damn inability to look where you're going, I wouldn't have your _creature_ following me around everywhere!"

"It's not like it's harming you! The worst thing it's done to you is sit on your head! Timcanpy does that to me all the time! Do you think I want my Tim hanging out with your frigid ass?"

"Then **fix** him and go away! I can't get anything done with this thing in my face all day. I can't even eat a decent meal without him interfering. I'm pissed off, hungry and I just want to be left alone!"

"Well too **bad**! Because I'm following you around until Tim comes back to me!"

"Like **hell you are**."

Allen got up in his face with the most defiant look that Kanda had ever seen on the little annoyance, "Tim belongs to me. It's not _my _fault you go around bewitching innocent golems. I want him back and I will not rest until you've released your hex on him."

"W…what the fucking hell! This isn't _my _fault, you brain dead…"

"**Just be nice to Tim**!"

"**BITE ME." **

A look of horror struck through Kanda's features and he stared blankly at nothing for a long moment when he realized very slowly that the beansprout…actually bit him. He sucked in a stupid breath and growled lowly, feeling like he'd just been violated. "I will kill you."

Allen stuck his tongue out and made a face. "You have too much iron in your blood, BaKanda."

"Well excuse me. Normally people don't go around fucking taking bites out of other people's necks," he hissed, grabbing Allen by the collar and boring into him with a death glare.

"You'll heal, right?" A smirk passed over the younger face.

Timcanpy settled in between them, perching on Kanda's arm and wrapping his tail back around the man's wrist. His golden body seemed to flatten a bit against the arm, like he was cuddling it.

It took both of them a moment to realize that was the arm that Kanda had stupidly driven through the table.

"Hnnnng." Fingers let go of the neatly folded collar and dropped in front of the body the arm belonged to. Kanda wrenched Tim off the arm, scoffing at the blood he'd managed to get…everywhere. All over himself, all over Timcanpy…and a bit down the front of Allen's shirt.

"I told you it needed to be bandaged."

"**Shut up. Less talking, more doing.**"

Allen slipped out of his outer shirt and folded it up, presenting it to the irate man. "Let go of Tim and use this to staunch the bleeding until we can get your fountain of blood to the bathroom."

"That's your shirt."

"Astute observation."

A grunt was the only response and the swordsman took the shirt and wrapped his arm in it. He knew the bleeding should have stopped by then, but he was also keenly aware of the signs of his healing ability getting weaker. He was too busy scoffing to himself to notice that Timcanpy had curled his tail up around himself and nested into his hair once more.

**To Be Continued…**

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><p><em>AN: Poor Kanda. He'll be abused to death here. But it's okay. He gets back up after death all the time._

_Thanks for all the response :'D Kanda's pain appears to be all our pleasures. The next chapters will be much more hilarious with Tim and Kanda interactions. _

_Thank you to: **Kuroya-Hime, jojoh333, AkixYuseiGRL, Marufu-chan, CamoSunBun, EXO718 for the reviews!** _

_**WakeToSanity:** Haha, actually Comedy is my forte! I've been writing comedy far longer. The fact that I can write a serious story at all is a surprise to even myself! I enjoy this one because I have use their more exaggerated personality quirks that Hoshino likes to give us little bits of here and there. :'D Poor Tim. _

_**Eurythmiic:** I lav you forever and ever. You're the best moyashi ever, and yes, I am still dominant thanx~  
><em>


	4. Confliction

**Kiss Me, My Pretty**_  
>Part Four<em>

_Thunk_

_Thunk_

_Thunk_

"**Will you stop that!" **An angry voice growled, directing that rage at the floating golem that was prodding his head with its tail.

"You know, if you be nice to him, he'll **go away,**" Allen sighed, forcing the man's arm down into the deep sink while he was busy squeezing the melon sized critter in his fist—similar to how one would handle a stress ball. The sticky blood was probably only still flowing because Kanda couldn't calm down for anything. His blood must have been pumping through his body like a racehorse. For all it was worth, Timcanpy wasn't helping at all.

Allen turned the water on and grabbed a cloth from the cabinet, drenching it and roughly washing off the flaking blood from both Kanda's arm and his own hands. Once upon a time, blood like that would have probably had him worried.

But this was Kanda.

"Beansprout, who the hell taught you how to treat wounds?"

"Will you shut up and just cooperate. And my name is _ALLEN_."

"_Beansprout_, this is _your_ fault, I'll call you whatever the hell I please."

Allen gave him an exasperated stare and mumbled monotonously, "Is that so?" His fingers dug into the open wound in his arm and Kanda gritted angrily, glaring him down like he was going to kill him.

Timcanpy landed square on Allen's head, hopping and smacking his body against his forehead repeatedly.

"Ow, hey, hey! Tim, stop that!" Allen frowned, but caught the smirk that had flickered on Kanda's face. This annoyed him even more. Tim continued to beat him in the head until he was forced to hold both hands up in the air—bloody as they were—and admit defeat. "Okay! Okay. I'm not going to hurt your Princess, now just let me bandage his wound, Tim."

"What did you call me, beansprout?"

"You heard me, _princess_."

Before he could ball up his fist and throw it at Allen, the smaller boy clasped his hand over his still burnt shoulder. "Don't even try." Allen knew very well he was causing his annoyed companion more pain, but Kanda tried to be macho every other time. He could tough it out. Allen would just have to accept Timcanpy's continued efforts to flatten his forehead. "Timcanpy, I'm not harming him, stop it!"

"You're digging your hand into my shoulder, you idiot." Kanda growled, biting his lip to keep himself from ignoring his bleeding arm and burnt shoulder to keep from tossing the little fucker across the bathroom.

"You'll shrug it off anyway. Will you shut up and let me wrap it already?"

Timcanpy flew back over to the taller man and rested casually in his hair. Allen could see the actual arteries pumping blood at an accelerated rate through Kanda's temple. That seemed to annoy him more than anything else the little golem did. "Timcanpy, I don't think he likes when you mess in his hair like that."

"What was your first clue…" he grumbled and swatted at Tim. Timcanpy relocated to Kanda's good shoulder while Allen washed water over his captive arm again.

"Kanda, it looks like you cut an artery wide open. That's probably why it won't stop bleeding. You need stitches."

"I do not."

"But…"

"It'll heal on its own. I'll just tourniquet my upper arm and let it fix itself. I'm not soft and squishy like you are."

"What's that mean?" The little bit of pleasantness that Allen had rebuilt slipped away in an instant. Kanda could be such an ass, sometimes.

"It means that I'm made of tougher shit, now if you're not gonna do what you harassed me in here for, then leave. I can bandage myself."

"You injured yourself in the first place."

"You injured me **first**."

"I tried to help you!"

"Perhaps you need a new hobby. You're bad at this on—OW, goddamn you."

"Hurts then? Oops. I didn't mean that."

"I will kill you and then spread your corpse across Europe."

"I didn't think you were into mutilating your enemies, BaKanda."

"I carry a sword, it'll be effortless."

Allen glanced up heatedly, meeting a similar glare. They were down each others throats so often it felt wrong if they weren't. Even though Allen liked to think he had good manners, he knew he lost them quickly around the reckless moron. "If you think you can."

"I already have your golem, thanks to you."

"It won't last. Komui will come up with something or I'll just shove Tim in your face until you give it a big sloppy kiss and we can move on."

"What are you some kind of voyeur?" Kanda frowned and turned his face away to hide the way his teeth grit every time the beansprout pressed his fingers into the open cut down his arm. He probably should have considered the consequences of splintering a table half way down the middle. Thinking wasn't one of those things he preferred to do first, if his fist could fix the problem…his fist didn't fix the problem, so now he actually did have to think. That only served to piss him off a little more.

"If I was really a voyeur, then I would follow you to the baths after you train outside in the morning."

"How do you know where I go after I train?" Suspicious eyes narrowed at the pale boy.

"Because you smell like soap whenever I pass you, afterwards."

"…How do you get close enough to _smell_ me?"

"Because I'm stalking you, is that the answer you want?" The sarcasm could have suffocated them if the room was any smaller. Allen just happened to notice these things. He wasn't going to tell the man he could actually watch him train from his own window. How Kanda could do all the acrobatic stuff he does with a blind fold and not destroy every tree in the vicinity was fascinating enough to watch sometimes.

"Knock it off."

"Did I upset you, your highness?"

"If you call me that again, I'l—" He stopped midsentence and Allen looked up, somewhat concerned, but not _too _concerned.

"What's wro—"

He cut himself off. He didn't know whether to cry or laugh. He wanted to laugh, because it was so funny he thought he would die right there. He wanted to cry, because he was going to miss Timcanpy.

The little golden golem was perched on his shoulder, his faceless…face, directed at the man and his strange little mouth was open—all teeth sharp and pearly. A tongue extended from that unusual mouth and pressed into Kanda's cheek. That tongue stroked up that cheek twice before Kanda snapped out of his stunned slack-jawed expression. He sucked in a deep breath in preparation for the yelling he was about to begin, but the blood loss finally kicked in and he buckled forward, having to settle with tossing Timcanpy through a mirror.

He let out a cough, finally letting the breath go and clinging to the sink as his head swirled. His healing was getting so much worse if this was making him dizzy. Of course, it could be the high level of stress and anger he'd been tossing around all day. He was so angry it was giving him a migraine. And that's something.

"I've been violated."

With that, Allen decided laughter was going to be his choice.

**To Be Continued…**

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><p><em>AN: Timcanpy is so forward! _

_Thanks for all the reviews on this silly thing XD My god. I think people needed more TimxKanda in their life. _

_Special thanks to Eurythmiic, my super awesome moyashi that I totally dominate, and WakeToSanity, who is like…the best reviewer ever XD_

_To answer a question, Tim is about baseball sized. _


	5. Fault

**Kiss Me, My Pretty**_  
>Part Five<em>

"You wrapped it too tight."

"Are you still complaining? You were leaned over the sink, what was I supposed to do?" Allen growled at the man's still pissy attitude.

"_Your_ golem licked my face. That's harassment."

"He just cares."

"Do you hear what you're saying!" A smack against the table echoed in the lobby when his open palm came down.

"You've already damaged enough furniture, BaKanda, please refrain from making it worse," Allen rolled his eyes and sat back against the sofa, directly across from Kanda and Timcanpy—who was nestled close against Kanda's neck, lovingly nuzzling the underside of his jaw. It wasn't that Kanda had accepted this, it just so happened that Kanda's terrible headache made it harder to effectively drive the damn thing away. It didn't help that Allen was not leaving him alone.

He's managed to have his meditation, training and meal ruined. He was still healing from his burns and now had poorly fixed bandages on his arm. His day was in shambles and he was close to marching into Komui's office and demanding a mission so he'd have an excuse to slice something.

"Put your tongue back in your fucking mouth." He muttered at the disconcerting feel of Timcanpy's tongue on his cheek. Without hesitance, the little critter returned its tongue and continued to cuddle his jaw. "You see this, beansprout? _This_ is harassment."

"Why are you looking at me, like it's _my_ fault?"

"Because it _is_."

"You punched him!"

"You tried to cook me alive!"

"**Again**, that was an accident!"

The door opened just before Kanda could release the next furious scream. He was getting painfully good at throwing scathing words. It certainly helped that he was in a bitchy mood. So much that he wouldn't have given a shit if someone referred to it as "bitchy".

"Hey you guys!" It was Lavi, much to the visual dismay of Kanda's expression. "How's it going Allen?"

"It's…going."

"And what about you, Yuu? Having any luck with your new girlfriend? Or is Tim a boy? Wait…what is he, she…it?"

"DIE."

"Now that's not nice, Yuu." Lavi grinned and turned back to Allen, "So what is Tim? Is Tim gay now, or is Tim a girl?"

"I…always called Tim a 'he'." Allen stuttered a little, not really sure if he himself liked the direction of the conversation. It was like the redhead was asking to be clocked by the angry swordsman. He had a feeling he'd be intervening a hostile attack at some point.

"So Tim's a boy? Aww, look at that forbidden romance~"

Kanda shifted in his seat and repressed the tingling urge to leap up and break his spine. He didn't have the energy to end every other living person in the room _and_ deal with an un-killable little motherfucker. His arms folded up in each other and he sat with a snarl, looking like someone had spit in his tea. If he didn't open his mouth, maybe they would leave him the fuck alone until Komui figured out how the hell to make Timcanpy stop clinging to him.

Timcanpy perched on his shoulder, his little wings drooped down. He looked quite content to simply cuddle the face of the angry man. Allen actually thought it was kinda…cute, if that was a fair word to use. Even if Kanda had a pissy expression, it added a charm to the way the two of them gave off a rather silly image. He supposed that's how he looked when he pulled a serious expression with Timcanpy sitting on his head.

"At least he's not in your hair," Allen said casually.

"Because I had to barter with the fucking thing. It's more annoying than _you._"

A little twitch started at the corner of Allen's eye. It was the same involuntary reaction that started every time he and Kanda were about to start jumping down each other's throats. "You're the one being annoying, BaKanda."

"I didn't invite you to follow me around like a vulture, _beansprout._"

"You have my golem!"

"Your. Mother. Fucking. Fault."

"Quit blaming me, BaKanda!"

"Then quit **life. And get out of my sight, you cursed little shit!**"

"I'll do whatever I _want_!" Allen growled, his face scrunching up to match Kanda's. He wasn't backing down to that asshole any day and today was _especially_ not the day. When Timcanpy was back in his possession, he'd happily walk away.

"**You can **_**want**_** to leave me alone then.**" Kanda's hand slammed down on the table again and he learned forward on it, teeth grinding and giving him a threatening glare.

"**How about, NO.**" Allen returned the obnoxious hand slamming with his own, right next to Kanda's; leaning forward until they were face to face to the point where a fire could spark between them at any given moment.

"Hey….Hey, come on you two, don't be like tha—"

Both men turned their glares on Lavi and growled together—perfectly synced, "**Shut up or die.**"

Lavi held up his hands in defense and backed away from that double threat. If they wanted to jump down each other's throats with guns drawn, then he wasn't going to stop them. He'd already learned the hard way that getting in between them was asking for a personal ass whooping. Allen and Kanda were practically destined to get into fist fights on a daily basis. Busted lips, black eyes, broken noses and bruised egos were practically what the two of them ate for breakfast together.

"I don't wanna see your face anymore. I want my peace. I haven't eaten today, I didn't get to meditate because of you and I'm sore. Now back the fuck off or I. Will. End. You." The threat spilled out of the man's mouth as his fingers collected the material of Allen's collar and pushed them, teetering over the table, in a harm promising situation.

"I'm not afraid of you, BaKanda!" Allen sneered, sticking his tongue out and placing his hand over the man's wrist, squeezing unrelentingly.

"You break my wrist and I will shove my foot so far up your as—" A light sound of wood splintering silenced both of them for a moment and they both looked down at the table they were placing the full extend of their weight over. It didn't take a genius to determine what that meant and before either of them could back off and regain balance, the table cracked down the center.

Allen pulled back with a yelp, unable to stop his backwards descent from grace. He unknowingly took Kanda with him—by the wrist—when the table sloped in Allen's direction. With a pain "oof", he landed back on the floor. Kanda rained down on him, one hand up to brace his fall. Allen thanked his luck stars that Kanda was quick on the reflex. If that one hand hadn't caught some of the man's weight, he'd have been crushed between the man and the floor.

"Tch…" The dark haired man grunted and tried to pick himself up, but the table catching his legs made it a trying challenge of getting up without busting his shins or making the situation more awkward than it already was. His arm, shoulder and head also happened to choose that moment to throb uncomfortably. "Goddamnit, I think my foot is caught under one of the table legs."

"Stay put, I'll slide out from under you," Allen suggested and realized he'd still been holding Kanda's wrist. He let go and noticed the bruising already. "Um…sorry…"

"I'm not fucking surprised, now hurry the fuck up," Kanda strained, his body pressed too close over Allen's for his own comfort. In fact, being that close to any other body just made his blood rush to his head. Whether it was in pure embarrassment or something else, he didn't care; he just needed the situation amended.

Allen wiggled and tried to pull from under him without kicking him, despite the subtle desire to. He didn't actually need to abuse Kanda more than he seemed to have already done. He noticed a fluttering by his face and just before he could grab Timcanpy and prevent him from making matters worse, Kanda's other arm gave out and he dropped down on his elbow; face at about hip level to Allen. This was enough to prevent Allen from catching the golem.

"God fucking—" He stopped mid-swear and Allen knew why, because he saw it first. The shaking coming from the body trapping him was a sign that Kanda was about to start breathing fire.

And Lavi could not stop laughing for anything.

"T…Timcanpy…Please…get off Kanda's…He's…" _Going to kill us both._

His fists clenched so hard that he thought he busted some blood vessels. He was so angry that he thought he could actually start _crying_ in rage, if such a thing existed. Both of his arms were abused, his shoulder hurt just enough to annoy him, and he'd determined that his boot lace was the cause of his inability to pull his foot free from the broken table. _Yet another thing I'm going to have to pay for._

Oh and to top it off, there was beansprout's fucking golem, gently nesting in his new location. Happy as can be.

And about to be murdered violently.

"_**GET THE MOTHER FUCKING FUCK OFF MY ASS, MOTHERFUCKER**_!"

**To Be Continued…**

* * *

><p><em><strong>Marufu-chan<strong>: Tim is just asking for it now XD**  
>EXO718: <strong>LOL. Golem styled Frenching. That had me in stitches.**  
>WakeToSanity: <strong>Kanda's so violated in this, it's not…no wait, yes it is funny :'D I'm so mean, aren't I?**  
>Exile Wrath: <strong>xD Glad you Enjoyed.**  
>The Mad Puppeteer: <strong>I see you changed your pen name! And Kanda's brain is one mess of angry explosions I imagine XD**  
>Raicheda: <strong>xD Imagine how it feels to sit down and think of this shit. The temptation to draw it is painfully inviting too.  
><strong>Lotus Seed: <strong>Tim is totally seme ~! So forward!**  
>Styrie: <strong>I get sick pleasure out of Kanda's suffering. I'm a terrible terrible person like that. Comedy is my forte I like to think, so I'm glad I'm still doing it well!**  
>MexiJew<strong>: Thanks!  
>Anonymous: Don't go breaking any ribs now! I can't afford to be sued over bone crackage!<em>

_And to my **Moyashi: **I know you lol when I write this. Just imagine the horrors that will come of the sequel to this :'D Poor Kanda amirite? You are forever the best muse in the world. I lav. _


	6. Second

**Kiss Me, My Pretty**_  
>Part Six<em>

"So, you guys destroyed a table in the lounge too?"

"It's BaKanda's fault."

"Like hell it was. It's your stupid golem. It practically violated me three times…or more." A powerfully angry glare radiated from the disgruntled man. He was furious for numerous reasons. Mainly because the embarrassment of being unable to kill his bodily offender was overwhelming and he wanted to find a corner to meditate in until reality disappeared for a while. "You said you were looking for a way to fix this, Komui."

"About that..." Komui paused, glancing between both boys. He wasn't sure how to explain exactly what was going on with Timcanpy. He simply resorted to the only acceptable answer for the time being, "because Tim is a golem, it's slightly different...I'm not exactly sure what to do with him yet. You've proved that smashing him doesn't break the seal, it just reforms with him."

"So...you're saying that BaKanda has to deal with Tim until he fulfills the side effect of the stamp?"

"Unfortunately, yes. I would like to ask that you both refrain from breaking any more furniture."

Kanda gave off a sneer that would have intimidated anyone who didn't know that it was just a pissy front. He was a very secluded person and this was crushing his seclusion severely. "Can you send me on a fucking mission then?"

"I'm sorry, Kanda, but I can't send you on any missions as long as you've got Timcanpy attached to you like this. It's a risk to you simply due to the possible distraction."

"BULLSHIT."

"BaKanda, it's for the best. Since you won't be nice to Tim long enough to get rid of him."

"Fuck you, beansprout."

"You can't even be nice to a golem, like you could do **that** right."

A near deadly look aimed at Allen and Allen challenged it openly. He wasn't backing down to Kanda just because the man was being a bitch. Tim wasn't at fault for what happened, and Kanda had abused the poor thing so much. He felt for his golem companion.

"I didn't know you were itching to find out, beansprout." It was an open taunt and both of them knew it.

"Sorry, but I'd want actual _enjoyment_, thank you."

"Good thing for you, I'm not interested in _beansprouts_," Kanda shot back.

Without giving a second to think, Allen used Kanda's own words back at him with a dismissive grunt, "You know what, bite me BaKanda. You're such a prick-"

Those silver eyes duplicated the look he'd received when he'd done the very same thing to Kanda. However, he'd never expect Kanda to ever do something like that in return. It was so unexpected that it caused Allen to sputter a bit. Kanda's teeth actually punctured the skin of his neck and even drew a little bit of blood.

"Payback is a bitch, beansprout. You need to lay off the sweets, you glutton. Your blood tastes like syrup," Kanda stuck his tongue out dispassionately; either truly not pleased by the taste or simply goading Allen further. He moved away, turning his head and not caring that the tail end of his bound hair swiped at the younger man's face in his motion.

Allen's face puffed and he was moments from snapping right back at the man, before he registered the strange look Kanda had suddenly worn on his face. It wasn't directed at anything as far as he could tell, but he twitched almost spastically and stood rigidly as if he was putting all of his efforts into not losing his sanity.

"BaKanda?" The silver haired boy moved closer and waved his hand in front of Kanda's face, "the hell is wrong wit—" He let out a short screech and jumped back as Timcanpy popped out of the man's coat, up by his neck.

"…I need a Second."

Allen titled his head, "Second?"

"K…Kanda…suicide is not the answer!" Komui interjected and waved his arms around trying to jar the boy out of his stupor at being—once more—violated.

"Wait, suicide?"

Kanda instinctively reached for Mugen, only to have Komui latch on to his arm. "Remember! It's _just_ a golem."

"A golem. That just," the tall man muttered in broken English. "Up my pant leg. Out jacket." The catatonic state he appeared in was more or less just a front to the murderous desires raging through his body. "Send me. On a mission. Or I will kill myself. Right here." He threatened, meaning it with more intention than they believed.

"I can't do that! You're emotionally unfit for the field in your current state! If I send you out, it's a liability and I can't risk anyone else who goes with you!" Despite the rage spilling off Kanda in waves, Komui remained attached to his arm to keep his hand from reaching Mugen. This was going to earn him two black eyes at some point, Allen predicted.

"**Send me alone.**"

"I definitely cannot do that!"

"Beansprout, I appoint you my Second."

"Kanda!"

Allen blinked, not sure of what he should do. Should he stop Kanda or should he stop Komui from getting beaten to death in the near future. "Wait, what does a Second do?"

"A Second is the one who beheads the person performing ritual suicide," Komui answered, now struggling with the long haired fiend—who had taken to trying to pry the scientist off, even using his foot to push him.

"W…what?" The appointed Second sputtered stupidly. Kanda wasn't being serious was he? On second thought… "Fine, I'll be happy to."

Komui stopped and looked at Allen—for that matter, so did Kanda. Allen stood passively, his arms folded. He watched Timcanpy buzz around, flapping madly in Komui's direction. It was clear that Tim wasn't pleased by the way the scientist was harassing his precious Kanda.

"Allen! What are you saying!"

"He's just gonna pop right back up anyway. Death is kinda like his bedmate."

Kanda glared heatedly at him, "decapitation should do the trick."

"Allen, Kanda…both of you stop this now! There will be no suicides or beheadings in this office or this building. We'll figure out a way to stop Timcanpy from…doing things to you. Just, calm down. Go take a hot bath and try not to break furniture. Please? I will do something to make up for this, I promise. Just…no deaths and no more collateral damage."

Timcanpy fluttered about and zipped right down Kanda's jacket again, taking up a nice cozy space in a fold above the man's belt. It was painfully obvious that Tim was lumped in the fabric, especially with the imprint of his wing-ears. He was pressed between the zipped jacket and the man's bare chest. Both of Kanda's hands moved to cradle his head and he was back to losing his patience so hard he thought he was bleeding out of the ears. His eyes shot open and he jabbed the moving lump in his jacket. "**Stop fuckin licking me, you cretin!**"

Allen had to admit, seeing Kanda so unwired was a bit of a treat…But at the same time, he was feeling something akin to pity for the man. If he were being constantly harassed the same, he probably would just kiss the thing and move on; but he knew Kanda wasn't even the type to break his scowl for even the most passive of pleasant faces—on the best of days. Kanda puckering up and smooching Tim was less likely to happen than Cross Marian drinking water instead of wine and saying no to a sexy woman.

None of that stopped him from continuing to mock the man, however.

"He really just wants a piece of you, BaKanda."

"Fuck you," Kanda barked and turned, yanking himself from Komui's grip and stomping out of the room in a flurry of swearing.

Both Allen and Komui stared after the fuming man for a moment, before Allen broke the sudden silence. "I'm…uh…gonna go make sure he doesn't kill himself…"

"Excellent…idea."

Allen quickly departed after Kanda, following the distant growls until they grew louder. He could see Kanda prodding at the moving lump in his coat, but he knew the man would never disrobe just to remove Tim. There was still some degree of pride he managed to maintain. Punch tables and people were still considered masculine—yet violent—reactions. Stripping wasn't quite as face saving.

He walked silently beside him for about a minute before the icy glare turned on him and he sucked in a breath waiting for the angry howl.

"What the hell do you want?"

"I told you, I'm following you until I get Tim back."

"Great, two stalkers for the price of one. Do me a favor and refrain from jumping down my clothing like your pet."

"I'll see if I can restrain myself, BaKanda."

**To Be Continued…**

* * *

><p><em>AN: Holy shit the response on this story is insane. You guys feed my ego here. xD I'm glad that my horrific sick sense of humor amuses folks. _

_**MexiJew: **Poor Kanda is probably on his way to a stroke. And it's all my fault :3c**  
>EXO718: <strong>Timcanpy just knows what he wants!**  
>Lotus Seed: <strong>Kanda is being abused for every sneer he's ever given people. This is his karma xD**  
>nightfayte: <strong>Lavi got out lucky because of Timcanpy xD I think Kanda's more angry with Tim than Lavi.**  
>marufu-chan: <strong>Poor Tim. Love is quite the battlefield. /**  
>booberry123: <strong>Lavi is so nice like that isn't he :3?**  
>Exile Wrath: <strong>Lavi is certainly not done being a pain in the ass, he hasn't even started!**  
>sayo-chan64: <strong> Kanda and Allen love each other so much that they have to resort to shrieks, fists and anger.**  
>WakeToSanity:<strong> He was too scared of Tim claiming his ass that he totally missed his perfect opportunity. xD**  
>Lazy Gaga: <strong>Don't die! Because then you'll miss how much worse it'll get xD**  
>AkixYuseiGRL:<strong> Oh of course he is. Tim is the bawwwwss.**  
>Darker Than Black12: <strong>Let's hope he doesn't run into any innocent finders.**  
>Raicheda: <strong>Oh if Daisya caught wind of this, he'd die laughing before he could even tease :'D**  
>styrie: <strong>LOL You found me xD I'm still laughing about that kthanx. Though it was nice to have an unbiased viewpoint. And yes, poor poor Kanda. His suffering has just begun. This motherfucker will have a sequel X3_

_And to my **Moyashi**, see all these people? THEY TOTALLY SHIP THIS SHIT TOO. I TOTES TOLD YOU THIS IS THE BEST PAIRING EVER. LOL. ilavyou  
><em>


	7. Affection

**Kiss Me, My Pretty**_  
>Part Seven<em>

"What are you doing?"

"What the hell does it look like I'm doing, you imbecile?"

"Playing in the dirt."

"Yes. I'm playing in the dirt," a disgruntled snarl following, laced heavily with sarcasm. "Actually, I'm digging a grave for your golem."

"Oh please. We've already been shown that you can't kill Tim." Allen sat back on the bench and watched the man pulling at plants and moving dirt around. He wasn't exactly sure what he was watching the man do; but as long as it involved less physical harm to him and his golem, then he didn't care. He was a bit curious that the stony man chose to dig in dirt to pass the time. All the while, Timcanpy was fluttering on his shoulder with every move.

"Timcanpy, go sit with beansprout and leave me alone. I'm busy." Well, he tried. Somehow he wasn't surprised that Tim didn't even pretend to acknowledge his request-rather, demand. "Fine. Whatever. You and beansprout can go to hell together."

Allen twitched a little. "If this is your way of picking a fight with me, without actually picking a fight, then save your voice. I'm not gonna fight with you."

"You can go away."

"Yeah, no."

Kanda pulled another plant out by its root—intent to discard it—when he found Tim hopping along his arm, mouth wide open with pearly teeth displayed. With a swift chomp, Tim ate the plant that had been subjected to disposal. Allen's gaze shifted from Tim to Kanda and back. He noted the eyebrow arch on the dark haired man's face and the look of mild amusement that he didn't realize he was displaying.

"What are you a garbage disposal?" He finally grunted and pulled another weed to watch Tim continue to eat the unwanted plants.

"Looks like Tim likes gardening too," the younger exorcist snorted.

"No. He's just taken feeding lessons from you."

"You are really good at being an insufferable bastard."

"Where'd that polite pretense go, beansprout? Or are you only this volatile when someone doesn't buy your pleasantry bullshit."

"You bring out the worst in me," Allen frowned. He brushed back his white hair and frowned at the chilled air that was leaking through his clothes.

"Your own fucking fault. I try to stay away from you; as I do with all annoying things."

"You're speaking to me in full sentences. That's more than most people get out of you."

Kanda cast him a hollow glare. He didn't have the energy to really get into cutting down the younger boy. He was tired; more so than he cared to admit. Ripping living things out of the soil did bring him down from his rage high, but now he was submitting to the possibility of a bath and sleep.

Timcanpy hopped around a bit more, having eaten all the plants cast his way. He was showing more bounce and actually looked pleased, if a faceless thing could manage an emotion. His wings were casually fluttering and he perched on the end of his arm, waiting for more plants to be sent his way.

"You ate them all, you glutton."

"Kanda, I think you doing that passed off as 'affection'. He's happier."

"Doing what? The hell did I do?"

Allen rolled his eyes. This man was so oblivious it was unreal. "You fed him those weeds willingly. I think he's taking that as you showing you care."

"But I don't care!"

"It's a golem! He doesn't know the difference. Just do stuff like that and he'll probably go away." The boy repressed the amused smile his face wanted to show. Kanda was looking at Timcanpy pensively and Tim was inching closer to his face—hopping up his arm. Timcanpy closed his mouth and jumped right up against his cheek and seemingly nuzzled the man's face.

"Damn it," Kanda twitched and plucked Tim off him and tossed him in the air, expecting that he could simply float in front of him like he did. "I don't want you. Leave me alone."

Unlike his usual behavior, Timcanpy didn't simply flutter back to him and ignore the man's heated protests. Tim dropped to the ground just in front of him and his wings drooped. He just sat there motionlessly in a mound of freshly released dirt. Every here and there one of his little wings would twitch and push dirt, but he remained like that. Honestly, Allen could only describe this as "broken hearted".

"You ass. You just hurt Tim's feelings."

"You just said it was a golem and it doesn't know the difference!" Kanda's voice raised several octaves and he frowned at the moping golem. Timcanpy inched a bit and just rolled over on it side, looking absolutely pitiful. "God…damn….fuck."

"Aww…Tim…" Allen frowned, feeling really bad for his golem. He kept in the back of his mind that it was a golem and it was under the curse of a Science Department experiment, but it was still depressing to watch Tim act like that. "BaKanda, just give it a big smooch and let it go. You're going to break Tim."

"_Good_," came the expected reply, but it wasn't as mean and snappy like he expected it to be. "You're not fuckin' helping, beansprout." He grunted and pulled a flower from its root, just beside where Tim was. He leaned down closer to the golden golem. "Open your fucking mouth," he ordered.

Timcanpy fluttered helplessly, but opened his jaws once more. With a little push, Tim righted himself and waited for Kanda to make his move. The sneering swordsman placed the poor flower in Timcanpy's mouth and pushed his finger above that creepy little mouth to make him close his jaws and eat the stupid plant.

"Now stop your fucking sulking. If anyone gets to sulk, it's _me._"

"That was the nicest thing I've ever seen you do," Allen commented, leaning forward without realizing he had done so. "In fact, that was downright _human_ of you."

"Will you shut up?" Kanda's growl as accompanied by a handful of dirt, much to the extreme surprise of the white haired boy. That man was always willing to toss verbal dirt, but he was never one to actually resort to such…filthy tactics.

Allen stood with a dark expression on his face, "BaKanda. You will eat that dirt."

The glare shot back at him and with that expression, the two of them entered into dominance mode. Kanda's fingers curled in the dirt in preparation for the tackle that would follow Allen's threat. This wasn't entirely uncommon for the two of them; however…it was a little less clean than they were usually involved in.

Kanda's hand opened to Allen's attack and his fist full of dirt pressed right into his face before he was dropped back into the flower bed, cheek pushed into the dark soil. Allen's Innocence hand shoved his face deeper into the dirt and the taller man kicked his knee up into Allen's back. That action caused Allen to fall forward a bit and lose his hold on the man's face. Both of his hands landed on each side of Kanda's face and he straddled the man's chest with a bit of an evil smirk. Each of his legs was in the perfect position to pin the man's arms down. "I won't make you eat dirt, BaKanda. I'll just cover you in it." He stated slowly, fingers collecting the rich soil.

"I will kill you, fuckin' _moyashi!_" Kanda slipped off into a mixture of English and Japanese swears that Allen wasn't sure what half of them meant.

Pale fingers moved from the dirt to track and smear the dirt over Kanda's cheek and Allen's smirk became almost unbearably smug. "You're _filthy,_ BaKanda."

The man's knee moved harder into his back and a sudden movement alerted Allen that Kanda was a lot more flexible than he gave him credit for. He found himself being lifted higher off the ground and Kanda's feet digging into his neck until they managed to grip him enough to lock his ankles around his neck and forcibly throw him down.

In all this Timcanpy buzzed around, watching the two boys wrestle in the dirt. The white hair was now tainted with dark spots and Allen was held captive in Kanda's neck hold, while he still retained his hold on the man's arms.

They looked idiotic.

"Release my arms and I won't choke you to death."

"Release my head and I won't put my elbow where I promise you'll not want it."

"You even consider it and I will end your life. I don't even give a shit if Komui has my head for it."

"BaKanda, it's your fault."

"_My_ fault?" A grunt followed, showing that Allen's weight down the length of his body was actually having an effect on his breathing capacity.

"Yes, you threw dirt first!"

"You wouldn't leave me alone."

"You have Tim!"

"Because of you!"

"I said it was an accide—" He let out a whine at the pressure against his wind pipe and struggled through more words, "You're…choking me….BaKanda!"

"That's the idea!" Legs flexed around Allen's neck and the owner of those legs had to focus on the action. He wasn't seriously aiming to suffocate Allen to death; but if he wasn't careful, then he might accidentally do it anyway.

"You…are such a….pric—" Allen whined abruptly when he felt something hit his face and leave a wet trail down his cheek. "Uh…was that a raindrop?"

"Hnnng. Fucking son of a bitch…It's starting to rain. Let me go, _beansprout_."

"You let go first!"

"We are _not _having this argument. You're holding me down, as you're the one…."

"On top?" A cackle slipped out before Allen could keep it in check and he was rewarded with those ankles pulling his head painfully back.

"You would never **top** me, you little creep."

With a gasp, the younger boy dug his heels into Kanda's sides—forcing the pressure off of his neck, "oh _please_, I bet you're a **kitten.**"

"I. Will. Kill. You."

By this time, the rain was pelting down on them to the point where they had to break their holds. It wasn't done with agreement and the words kept spitting out like acid, among a few kicks and unpleasant hair pulling. Timcanpy latched to Kanda's hair, just above his face—his little wings stretched out as if to umbrella the man's face from the rain. Kanda didn't know whether to appreciate the stupid gesture, or smack the damn creature into Allen's face and stalk off.

They scrambled back inside about the time that the sky opened up the flood gates. It didn't seem to matter entirely too much, since both men were soaked all the way through. Covered in mud, various remnants of plant life and their own egos; the two of them stood in the open doorway watching the rain mercilessly blanket the ground.

Kanda leaned just a little and swung his hand up and into the back of Allen's head.

"Hng…hey! What the hell was that for!"

"For _lots_ of things."

"Jerk."

Timcanpy nestled against Kanda's neck and the man sighed, "Well. I'm going to go take a bath. Because of you, I'm cold, wet and filthy."

"Always blaming me."

"You always start it."

"I do not, BaKanda!" Allen grunted, following after the dark haired mess of a man. Legitimately, he wanted a bath too and he wasn't going to be denied such, when he knew that bath was large enough for half of the exorcists to be in there at once.

"Stop following me."

"I want a bath too."

"You can wait."

"I will not, you're the reason I'm covered in mud! Unless you're just shy about the baths…Hey, BaKanda…is it true what they say about Asian men?~"

With those words, a brand new emotion welled up in Kanda. It was rage to the point of being simply referred to as "murder". He turned on his heels, his eyes reflecting the murder in his heart. The younger man wasn't stupid. He knew he was dancing with fire; but as he dashed off toward the bath to be followed by an angry Asian man, he didn't care all too much.

**To Be Continued…**

* * *

><p><em>AN: Moar TimKanda love, with a pinch of Yullenyish lolfights. _

_**Marufu-chan:** xD I always post at stupid thirty in the morning, so you'll always get to wake up to my updates when I do them!**  
>Sayo-chan64: <strong>Poor Tim xD he's so lovestruck, he's gonna get pummeled and heart broken constantly.**  
>MexiJew<strong>: You can only imagine the things that run through my brain as I write these :'D And I do it with a straight face the entire time. I'm a sick bastard.**  
>Styrie: <strong>You know, I bet beheading would do the trick…not that I'd wanna find out. Oh and trust me, Lavi's death wish will get more prominent.**  
>Lotus seed: <strong> Tim is so loveable though!**  
>Lazy Gaga: <strong>I'm glad to know it gets better with each chapter. XD**  
>Yukaharu: <strong>This is such a terrible pairing, for sick sick bastards. I have dragged you all down with me. MWAHAH.**  
>AkixYuseiGRL: <strong>There is a large possibility for Cross showing up. When and how, I dunno yet. I don't have this one planned like the other story I got going. This one is more of a "on the fly, how fucked up can I be in the head" kinda thing.****_

_**And to my Moyashi, **I fanserviced you once more. Well, maybe a little. Just a wee bit. I DO IT FOR YOUR LOVE. LOVE ME. /happytard._

_Thanks everyone! Your reviews fuel me. _


	8. Bracelets Only

**Kiss Me, My Pretty**_  
>Part Eight<em>

"Do something about your pet."

"Would you stop crying about it? Tim isn't listening to me anyway."

A grunt followed and the dark haired cynic swatted the flying critter once more, "it keeps pulling my hair down. It's pissing me the fuck off." He groused as he had to tie the dark locks back up from their forced release via Tim's hair-tie stealing mouth.

"Then leave your hair down, BaKanda." Allen grinned to himself, facing away. He set his clean clothes on the shelf next to the grouchy swordsman's. He was sure he'd get some remark about how he was cursed and shouldn't spread his curse to others, but he didn't care. If he was feeling real spiteful, he'd just rub his face all over Kanda's white shirt. "It's not like it'll hurt you."

"You, who has ugly old-man hair, says."

"I didn't know you were so vain."

"You shut the hell up," Kanda growled with a swift lift of his foot-planting his heel into the small of Allen's back and kicking the younger man directly into the bath water.

Allen flailed at the sudden invasion of water into his face and he sputtered, cough from the water that he managed to breathe into his nose. "BaKanda! You ASS!" He cried when he could breathe again. Silently, he was thankful he had already disrobed down to a towel. Pulling clothes off in water was a pain.

"Quit your fuckin whining. That's for shoving my face in dirt."

The younger boy shook his head free of water and huffed at him, leaning to the edge of the bath and resting his hands on his folded arms, "aren't you going to wash your hair? You can't do it while it's up like that."

"Fuckin moron, if I let it down before the rest of me is clean, it'll just soak up the water and cause split ends and damage it."

"You are such a girl."

Emitting a feral growl, Kanda snatched Timcanpy out of the air beside him and hurled the little golden ball at Allen at a velocity too high for the poor boy to duck from. Smacking him right in the forehead, he sunk right back into the water with a small cry. "Eat shit, you little creep."

Allen emerged from the water, hacking his lungs out and glaring dispassionately. He looked around the water, trying to spot signs of life from his golem. "BaKanda, you didn't have to throw Tim in here."

"What's the worst that could fucking happen?"

"He could dissolve!"

"I said _worst_," Kanda snorted and moved over to sit by the water, dipping his feet in first. The idea of sharing a bath with that beansprout made his face crunch up unpleasantly. He already felt entirely too…naked, in nothing but a towel. Yes, they were both men…but he liked to think his _everything_ was personal and shouldn't be encroached upon. By technicality, Allen actually made it into the washroom first; so he was forced to share if he didn't want to get shit for being the giant dick he was anyway. He was not in the mood to deal with the others taking that beansprout's side.

"You could stand to be less of a prick, BaKanda."

"You could stand to be less of a beansprout, Beansprout," he cut back and they stared at each other for a moment—sparks nearly flying at the tension they always seemed to enjoy building.

"My name is _Allen_," the white-haired boy groused before a different expression pronounced itself to his face. "Or do you just like giving me a cute nickname?"

"…Ar…" Kanda's mouth just didn't even know what to do at that moment, so he gaped for a moment before he collected the words, "are you retarded? That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard you say."

"You say that everyday," he rested his head on his folded arms at the edge of the bath, just next to Kanda—Timcanpy hopping around on the space next to him, after being saved from the clutches of a watery demise.

"You get more retarded everyday."

Allen sighed and prodded at Tim, who was snuggling into Kanda's leg. "Do you really hate me?"

"That's a stupid question."

"That's not an answer, BaKanda."

"I don't need to answer questions that I don't deem intelligent enough to be asked. And will you get the hell away from me. I don't need your curses rubbing off on me." Kanda grimaced and inched his leg away from Allen. But the action did no real good, because Allen devilishly sat back and moved over to rub the cursed side of his face all over Kanda's knee. It left the older male sputtering like a moron, for a rare change of pace and when Allen looked up, he was greeted with a horrified expression he hadn't quite seen before. It was delightful in a sadistic kind of way.

"What…in…what….**the fuck, beansprout!**" He howled; face slowly turning red from the sheer blood pressure of his sudden rage filled desire to punt that little bastard across the room. He stood up and raised his fist, trying to will himself not to kill him. "Get the hell away from me before I decorate this place with your insides."

"What's wrong, BaKanda?" Allen smiled so sickeningly sweetly that Kanda thought he was going to die from the sheer sugariness of it.

He kicked Timcanpy toward Allen, but the boy got a little smarter and simply caught Tim—who flailed around helplessly until he righted himself. The little golden golem zipped out of Allen's grasp, going straight for his head and thwacking against it a time or two. "That's right Tim, get him," Kanda grunted—keeping his distance, but finally moving to get in the water.

"Tim! Damn it! Damn it! Come on, stop that!" The younger boy tried to shoo Tim, but finally had to back further away from Kanda in order to get out of Timcanpy's apparent territory. He continued to wave him away until he finally fluttered back over to Kanda, flying circles around the man who hadn't even been granted the time to get passed his knees in the water.

"Go lay down somewhere and let me bathe in peace, you fucker. I'm tired, hungry and filthy and you're not helping." His half-lidded glare went ignored and Tim floated to his face and proceeded to hug it again…Again. **Again. **"You little…I **said, go lay the fuck down.**"

Timcanpy flapped his wings and flew around him speedily. He was pleasantly ignoring Kanda's building rage. Occasionally he'd get just close enough to nuzzle some part of Kanda; whether it be his shoulder, arms, back or face and the man just grinded his teeth harder. "You are even listening to me?" He waited until Timcanpy flew back around and he grabbed the thing right out of the air and stared it down.

It took a moment to realize that Tim had a white fluffy thing hanging from his mouth.

It took him another moment to realize what the fluffy thing was.

It took him half a second for his head to snap in Allen's direction and catch the look he was receiving.

And the way Allen's eyes had to trail _up_ to his face.

It took another half a second for his face to fully light up red.

"Hn. I guess what they say about Asians **isn't** tru—hng!" The white-haired boy was thrown back into the water by the force of Timcanpy being shoved nearly down his throat—attached to Kanda's fist. In the process of his mad pounce, the older man's hands slipped from Timcanpy to go directly around Allen's neck and attempt some kind of strangulation; but Tim's snatching off his hair-tie—once more—threw him off his goal. Making the attempt to snatch it back, he let Allen drop back into the water.

He failed to retrieve his towel, as well as his hair-tie. Black hair trailed all down him, sticking to the water and clinging to his body in the most annoying way imaginable. He was simply beyond frustrated, standing waist deep in water with absolutely nothing on him but a mother. fucking. bracelet.

Allen came up from the water laughing and that automatically didn't set well with Kanda—who glared intensely at the beansprout bastard.

"Timcanpy wanted the full view, haha!" Silver eyes were practically dancing with amusement. They trailed over the poor victim of Tim's love. He noted the flushed appearance of the older man and the way his hair was splayed out in the water—going everywhere. The black locks blanketed his shoulders and slipped down the front of him. The beaded bracelet was the only survivor of Tim's Great Disrobing of the Kanda expedition. His flawless skin made him look almost pure. It was hard not to stare at the image of it.

"What the hell are you looking at?"

Allen shrugged nonchalantly, "sorry, you look handsome, despite being a total jackass." The way he let the words just slide out clearly indicated that he was completely oblivious to how forward that sounded…Either that, or he had absolutely no shame in just being honest. Kanda couldn't decide and he wasn't sure he wanted to.

Mentally, he was listing options for his next action. Stomp out of the washroom. Kill beansprout. Sink in the water and drown himself of embarrassment...

A sound behind him alerted him to another presence in the washroom, "Heeeeeeey guys! I didn't know you were in here!"

The voice belonging to that statement…

Broke.

His.

Soul.

The moment he heard it.

Allen's massive grin almost had an evil undertone to it, "Hi Lavi! Join us!"

_Suicide is not the answer. Suicide is not the answer. Suicideisnotheanswer._ He tried to reason with himself by repeating this mantra. Over and over.

**To Be Continued…**

* * *

><p><em>AN: Holy shit on a stick at the responses on this._

_**Booberry123**: Allen is a devious little bastard around Kanda XD I love devious Allen. He's Adorable.**  
>Marufu-chan: <strong>This one is unfortunately the secondary story, meaning its updates are less consistent, I need to make an update schedule LOL.**  
>MexiJew<strong>: (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ HELL YES BATH SCENE. I need one for maximum Kanda abuse.**  
>Styrie: <strong>"The place that Allen's mind goes when Kanda is trying to get him off." …The place MY mind went at that part of your review :'D**  
>IvoryMoonlight: <strong>I shall try! Allen and Kanda are my favorite people to torment cruelly. No matter how I choose to do it!**  
>Lotus seed: <strong>I remembered that move from when I was a kid. I'm too short to do it myself, but Kanda…now, that man has legs. He can do all the crazy martial artz.**  
>Lazy Gaga: <strong>:D I'm okay with being choked. I'm not creepy…**  
>Yukaharu: <strong>Lol, yes, that picture did help. Allen's so lucky!**  
>Chibi-Dears XD: <strong>:'D I cannot explain this one, it would ruin it.**  
>Fridayyythe13th: <strong>Allen gets all the eyefuls with Kanda :D**  
>Validate0: <strong>PURE CRACK. I EVEN LINE IT UP FOR YOU, SO THE SNORTING IS EFFORTLESS!**  
>TheOtakuSupreme: <strong>That's how they determine whether a person will make an acceptable Finder. They just tell the noobs to go ask Kanda if what they say about Asian men is true. If they walk away alive, they're in!**  
>LePetitErik: <strong>Why thank you!_

_**And Finally, Moyashi! **I hope I didn't cause you to have to change yer britches! If I did...well, learn to PEE before reading funny shit, you moron!  
><em>


	9. SNAPPED

**Kiss Me, My Pretty**_  
>Part Nine<em>

"Relax Yuu. Baths are a time to sit back and let all the crappy stuff wash away," Lavi said cheerfully.

"How am I supposed to relax with you two holding me down...?" Kanda grunted; his face changing colors to fire hot mad. The other two were each holding him by an arm and keeping him planted in the water; seated right by the entrance to the bath itself. Why did they have to resort to such tactics? He couldn't understand it. He only tried to drown them both and strangle Lavi to death the moment the man joined them in the water. He was also still entirely naked and uncomfortable. The sour mood was only going to sink lower at that rate. The way that damned beansprout had looked him over had made him self conscious to a silly degree and he resigned to curling himself up between them... Waiting for one of them to foolishly let him free.

On second thought, he could see why they weren't letting him go and the nervous tick in Lavi's expression did make some sense.

"Just pretend we're not here!"

"If it were that easy, I would never have to acknowledge you existing ever again." He snorted and sunk a little deeper, despite his inability to move his arms with him. He had his legs bent and knees folded up to his chest, where he decided to place his head and just sit there. He must have looked so pathetic being detained by a moron and a beansprout, with Tim prancing around on his head. Not to mention the fact that he was still covered in faint marks from his day worth of metaphorically getting the shit kicked out of him. The burn barely hurt anymore and the bruises were gone, but the deep cut in his arm was itching like hell and even his hard engraved ability to tune out pain wasn't coming through for him. He was simply too fucking tired.

An unintentional sigh escaped and he grunted at the noise that came from his own throat. The water rose up to his chin as he slid even deeper, not caring that his hair was fucking everywhere. Certainly, it was annoying as hell; but Dipshit One and Dipshit Two weren't going to let him live it down if he begged for them to release him, just so he could... Fix his hair. Not that he would ever beg. He was more likely to engage in a threesome with the two little fuckasses than he was likely to beg them for anything. That thought made his mouth curl in disgust. Over his dead body—especially with Lavi. Lavi wasn't bad looking, but there was no one else quite as annoying as Lavi.

"You alright, Yuu?"

"Stop calling me that, you little motherfucker."

"I'm just worried about ya, man. You're so high strung because of Timcanpy and all. He didn't mean it."

"He took my towel. He meant it. Stupid little shit."

"It's not like we're not all guys here anyway."

"Fuckin...tell that to beansprout! He's the little shit who was eyeballing me like a pervert."

Allen's face contorted into one of embarrassment for being openly called on. He hadn't meant to look like that, but the opportunity presented itself in a very convenient way. "I asked him if it was true what they say about Asian men," he finally croaked out to Lavi.

"Well... Allen, is it true?"

"Apparently not. He's definitely proportional."

In between the two of them, Kanda wanted to die. He was close enough to the water to breath in what it would require to suffocate himself to death. The thought crossed his mind more than once. It was a deeply rooted consideration with all that he was being subjected to. God was a cruel motherfucker, if he let this sort of torture prolong itself on one of his supposed holy warriors.

Timcanpy chose this moment to hop down from his head and take up a place on the knee he wasn't leaning his head on. He was eye to...blank face with Tim. "What do you want?"  
>The golem flattened himself and seems to be cuddling to him; licking the man's knee at the same time.<p>

"You know, Timcanpy, if you really loved me, you wouldn't be causing me this grief," the dark haired man spoke unexpectedly. To the surprise of both men next to Kanda, Timcanpy stopped licking his knee and somewhat rolled over on his side, looking like a smushed ball. His little wings fluttered pitifully and Tim's little arm protrusion wiggled and made him almost appear apologetic. "You're sorry then? Damn right you are, but it's fine. Whatever. I'll forgive you…if you do me a little favor."

Allen watched in silent amusement. He never would have pictured the ice-lord to warm up enough to sweet talk an infatuated golem. Though, part of this scared him just a little bit. They appeared to have accidentally broken Kanda's personality with this constant badgering. Not that Kanda's personality was glittering with promise to begin with, but a complacent Kanda was a damn _creepy_ Kanda.

"BaKanda? Are you okay?" His amusement was beginning to take a backseat to the growing dread.

"Of course, I'm perfectly fine," he replied in a tone too sweet to be considered fine when it concerned _him_. Laying it on thick? Yes. He was. Effective? Oh with utmost certainty. He already felt Lavi's apprehension at the very tone. How he hated—loathed even—to resort to such tactics, but his sanity was at stake.

"A…are you sure, Yuu?"

"Never been better. Right Timcanpy?" Tim responded by righting himself and hopping to Kanda's face and cuddling his cheek. "That's a good Tim. Now show me how much you really love me, buddy." He cooed and almost wanted to vomit at the way his own voice sounded in his ears. Actually, he was very close to punching his own face in. Teetering on the edge of going insane made him power through this horrible little plan of his. "Go take Beansprout's clothes. Lavi's too," he all but ordered and Tim zipped off without a second of hesitation.

A pair of silver eyes and one green eye widened when they caught wind of what the Japanese man was conning Timcanpy into doing.

"Ah! Wait! Timcanpy!"

"Take them, Tim!" Kanda called, pulling at his arms to try and free himself from the clutches of the two morons. Unfortunately, neither of them were letting go. They knew what his intentions were. Probable murder and lots of it.

Eventually, he just sucked up his pride and leaned to bite Lavi, clamping to his ear until the man let out a masculine shriek and had to unhand him. He freed his precious arm and commenced to putting the beansprout in his place too. It was a lot easier than he expected and he twisted Allen's arm until he actually flipped the boy over his shoulder—sending him further into the bath. The little bastards would pay and as Tim floated back over to him—holding the bathrobe that Lavi came in with—he knew exactly how.

"Timcanpy, distract them," he requested, maintaining a fraction of the mind shatteringly pleasant tone he now knew he could pull off. Tim was all too eager to fly off and start dive bombing them. Allen cried for Tim to stop and both of them were trying to catch the flying golem. Kanda had put Lavi's robe on and busied himself with collecting all of the clothing they'd brought in with them. With his arms full, he turned back to look on Tim's assault.

Once more, Tim had a fluffy bundle of material dangling from his toothy mouth. It took a moment for them to realize who was missing their cover this time and Lavi's face turned the color of his hair when the realization sunk in.

"I'm bigger'n you." Kanda sneered, nearly delighted when Lavi quickly dropped into a sitting position in the water; sputtering like a fool. For all his shitty day, he finally got Lavi back for at least a small fraction of his annoyance. "And I'm Asian." He verbally poured salt into the wound and ground it in, before turning toward the door—in current possession of every bit of clothing in the washroom.

"Kanda…w…wait, isn't this a bit much?" Allen laughed nervously. He really, really, **really** did not want to have to walk the halls nearly naked. He was damn sure Lavi didn't either.

"Tch. Not enough if you ask me." He waved for Tim, who zipped around and snatched Allen's towel before making his way over to the object of his desire to deliver the goods. "Gotta hand it to you, beansprout. Despite being shrimpy and short, you're about even with Lavi. Congrats. I'm _more_ man than **both** of you."

Allen's face heated and he wanted to die; suddenly knowing exactly how Kanda had felt. Yeah, they were all men…but they were also all competitive and spiteful to some degree. Though, Allen's blush had another reason that he didn't even want to begin to address in his mind.

"I sincerely wish the best for both you in your trek back to your rooms. It has been…" He paused and smiled eerily nicely, "a pleasure." He waved tauntingly, still clutching to the bundle of clothing. Timcanpy dropped on top of the pile of fabric and Kanda padded out of the washroom barefoot and dressed in just Lavi's robe.

He left both boys to stare helplessly as he deprived them of any coverings at all.

"He just…"

"He did…"

"We broke him Allen."

"We did."

"We're a bit screwed here.

"…We are."

Kanda's face returned to its usual lack of expression; but inside, he was rather pleased with himself as he listened outside the door, to the two of them in their stupor. Leaning against the wall, he realized he wasn't going to be able to stay awake much longer. He'd screamed himself a migraine, punched tables, people and wrestled morons all day…then there was Timcanpy. Cursing to himself, he felt like he'd worked harder for that period of time than any hoard of Akuma he'd fought. Shit, Akuma were easier to deal with.

Continuing down the hall, Kanda passed Lenalee—who gave him the weirdest look before stopping before him. He attempted to go around her, but she moved with him. Leave it to that woman to recognize trouble when she saw it. He was innocent this time. _They _started it.

"Kanda? What's going on? Those look like Lavi's clothes."

"It's none of your business, woman," he spat and tried to move passed her on the left. It didn't work. Her fingers curled up in a long strand of his hair and pulled.

"Kanda…"

"Let me go."

"Is everything okay?"

He stared at her for a moment. This girl was nothing but a giant bleeding heart like the rest of them. He'd be fine if they just left him alone. "Lenalee, I'm fine. Leave me be. Oh and be wary of naked teenagers in the hallway." Leaving her with that abnormal smile, he continued on the only haven he could think of, with Timcanpy fluttering in the fabrics.

Thankfully, Lavi's robe was rather roomy…because it was fuckin _cold_ in the hallway. "Stupid bastards," he muttered, opening the door to the training room and stepping in, making sure to slam the door and lock everyone out. His arms opened and he dropped all the clothes to the floor, not giving a shit that they fell in a heap and that there were sopping wet towels in the mix. _So much for dry clothes_, he mulled.

Meditation was the only thing he could think to do for a while; but when he finally did sit down, he realized the floor felt entirely too good. Slipping from his sitting position to lay on the wood floor, he resolved to _rest his eyes_ for just a few minutes.

Just a few.

Not **sleeping**.

Even if it looked like it.

And even if Timcanpy decided to _rest_ with him.

And he didn't swat it away.

He was being nice.

That's all.

And not unconscious.

Not at all.

**To Be Continued…**

* * *

><p><em>AN: Oh Kanda, you're such a badass. I have to toss you a cookie every once in a while._

_Holy shit 17 reviews. Motivated the crap out of me, I won't lie._

_**Marufu-chan**: I think I have a writing problem that I don't want to fix LOL.**  
>Validate0<strong>: This is what most people call "a guilty pleasure".**  
>Lazy Gaga: <strong>:D I love the hugs. I don't mind being threatened though, it's a different kidn of love! **  
>Styrie: <strong>My mind is always in the gutter, I don't think in dangerous places, I am a dangerous place.**  
>WakeToSanity: <strong>Poor Kanda, he's always the subject of my abuse, but it's because he's such an easy target. It's like he's painted an "abuse me" sign on him. And so I shall.**  
>Lotus seed: <strong>Lavi is always asking for it. For once, he's given what he's asking for!**  
>Elvin Magi: <strong>rofl, I'm glad you think so.**  
>Yukaharu: <strong>Allen totes wants a piece o dat Kanda (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧) Who doesn't?**  
>MexiJew: <strong>Lavi is a stitch and the bane of Kanda's existence.**  
>LePetitErik: <strong>I'm glad! I try~**  
>Chubby-king-chocobo: <strong>I've broken you, oh dear. (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧) I'm so not worry. If you think this is crackpot, wait til its sequel.**  
>Fridayyythe13th: <strong>Kanda is my punching bag. But I do love him.**  
>Darker Than Black12: <strong>Tim is a master disrober.**  
>Lingering Sorrow: <strong>I'm the messed upest fuck I know. You can't has my brain, it's like Allen looking at the soul of a level 4 (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧)**  
>JewelRinoa<strong>: I will try to be frequent on the update here. People seem to enjoy my crackedness.**  
>Raicheda: <strong>This will haunt Kanda's forever. This will haunt everyone's forever.**  
>Booberry123: <strong>That'll teach them to assume about stereotypes!_

_And **Moyashi: I LAV. And I hope you pee yourself forever because LOL. 3**_


	10. Fluster

**Kiss Me, My Pretty**_  
>Part Ten<em>

A small groan left the man who had accidentally slipped into full sleep on the training room floor. When awareness finally seeped back into him, he realized he was a lot warmer than he remembered being when he originally drifted off. Perhaps it had something to do with being drier than he had been all day. He'd had boiling water and ice water dumped on him, he'd been rained on, and then experienced the worst bath imaginable. Not being soaked to the bone was nice. Very nice.

Movement under his arm stirred him a little more and he realized that it was Timcanpy. The golem was snuggled up under his arm-close to his shoulder. He assumed it looked happy. It didn't seem to pitch a fit when he moved, nearly rolling over on it. Absently, he rolled over to his side. Sleeping face down felt great, but his neck was beginning to protest. Tim twitched at the sudden loss of warmth and Kanda rolled his eyes at it, taking it by a wing and dragging it closer to him and under the blanket before it started spazzing out on him again.

Wait...blanket?

He blinked and cleared his hazy vision, sitting up just a little. There was a dark blue blanket draped over him and Tim. Glancing around suspiciously, he took note of the missing pile of haphazardly dropped clothing. In its place, there was a set of dry and folded clothes.

_What the hell... _

His hands moved to the fabric wrapping his body and he glanced down to see he was still in Lavi's robe. A little wave of relief hit him. He wasn't tampered with in his sleep. Good. Stretching a bit, he felt a heavy tap against his back. The tapping continued every time he moved his head and he finally resorted to reaching back and pulling his hair forward. Black strands were woven together in a loose, heavy braid. Scratch that, he was tampered with and he could only guess who did it. Only Lavi would dare to even try. Of course, his hair was now dry, combed and neatly restrained. He wasn't too broke up about that.

Unfortunately, though, this meant the little motherfuckers managed to get into his training room and it also explained the reason why the sloppy pile of clothing was gone.

Of course, the thought did finally hit him that it also meant that the little bastards managed to not only move him from where he had been, but brush and braid his hair without even getting a response out of him. That thought was horrifying. They managed to do all of those things...without him waking at all. Just how hard was he sleeping? And how long for that matter? Looking down at the golden annoyance, he exhaled and lied back down on his side. Fuck it. He wasn't done resting.

He closed his eyes and turned his face more into the folded fabric that was supporting his head. The floor should not be that comfortable. Really. But he finally deduced that burn wounds, cuts and rage were a bad combination for his mental health. About the time he was slipping right back into unconsciousness, he heard the door click open. Whoever was entering, clearly wasn't trying not to be noticed.

"Wow, he's still asleep," a rich voice, laced with a tinge of annoying, whispered. This was easily determined to be Lavi.

"I didn't think he was serious about being tired. He never seems to show any give, you know?" The other voice whispered back.

He didn't move, but part of him was a little offended. A very very small part that got over it nearly immediately. Truly, he almost wanted to throw Tim at the beansprout's face and remind the little idiot that he was human too. Even if he was poor at acting like one. If acting human meant he had to act like them, then he'd pass on that. He wasn't soft and cuddly on the inside, but he was still prone to the downsides of being mortal. Being tired and distractingly hungry was among those things. His mental balance had been shattered by Timcanpy hijacking his life. And that was only for the duration of most of the day. If this was going to be a long lasting thing, then he was going to find a way to break that golem or they'd be finding his own corpse hanging from the ceiling of the training room.

"Yeaaah, I think we pushed a lil too much, beansprout."

"It's Allen."

Kanda decided he no longer cared and committed to remaining right where he was. They didn't know he was awake, which was fine with him. Timcanpy, on the other hand, seemed to notice. The golem inched closer to him until it came up on the folded fabric that was under Kanda's head and he just sat there. Once again, looking like—he assumed—happy, smushed ball. It rolled just enough to touch his face and he let out a subconscious "tch".

He tried to ignore the fucking thing on his face. Tim was curled to him while he was sleeping before, so what the fuck harm would it do? Unfortunately, being awake seemed to make the difference. He rolled over on his other side, eyes still closed. Unfortunately, this meant that he was facing the direction the two asshats were standing. So it suddenly became important to keep his face absolutely passive. Especially with Lavi; the numbnut who could read ever detail of his face.

A pounce over his shoulder almost made him groan. He knew it was Timcanpy trying to get over him and back to his face-well, he knew that was the creature's original intent. Somehow it ended up hopping down, falling through the open neck and cuddling inside the robe; flattening himself like a deflated ball against the edge of his ribs. This was not nearly as annoying as when it was in his face, so he left that alone. As long as it stayed at about where it was, they would be fine.

Before the second wave of sleep decided to take him, he decided that the robe he was in was no longer Lavi's. As the redhead's punishment, he'd just "gifted" it to Kanda.

Somewhere in the dark fog of his mind, he heard voices again. This time, however, he also felt hands against his face. This encroaching of his personal space made his eyes shoot open and he stared up at the offenders.

"The fuck you want?" he growled, his fingers wrapping around Lavi's wrist.

"Aw come on Yuu, I was actually getting a little worried about you. You've been sleeping for like eight hours. I was just makin' sure you didn't have a fever or something."

_That long?_

"How the hell did you get in here?" He grunted, pushing Lavi's damn face out of his own so he could sit up.

"Apparently, beansprout can pick locks."

"It's Allen."

"Great." He paused for a split second before spitting, "who the hell told you that you could touch my hair?" He glared Lavi down with hopes that eventually he would develop a super power that would give him the ability to set the redhead on fire with just that look.

"Wasn't me this time. That was beansprout," Lavi grinned.

"H...hey, don't tell on me, Lavi!" Allen frowned and kept himself at a distance. "I only did it because I felt bad!"

"Fuckin, soft hearted beansprout."

"Yeah and you're a _dick_."

"_Biggest_ you've ever seen."

Allen gaped at that shockingly quick quip on Kanda's part and he couldn't help the mental images that were paying through his brain as reminders of the events of the day. Namely, Timcanpy's thievery of Kanda's towel. "B...BaKanda."

"Ohohoho, touché, Yuu," Lavi laughed at Allen's continued expression.

"And you shut the hell up," Kanda tossed more scathing words to Lavi. "You've already given me your robe; don't make that your life, too."

"Wait my ro-aww, Yuu, come on... Don't be like that."

"The moment you touched me, you gave up your rights." His hand shot out and gripped the fabric of Lavi's collar—pulling him close. "And if you call me that one more time, I will drag you back to the bath and drown you in it."

"BaKanda, stop being such a bitch." Allen recovered enough make such a statement blankly, voice strangely pleasant.

That pleasantness pissed off Kanda more than the words and he tossed Lavi bodily aside and leaped across the distance, tackling Allen with intent to kill. He held the startled boy down, straddling his chest and leaning own over him-his hair coming down over his shoulder and hitting Allen in the face.

"You. Are a little shit."

Allen groaned and struggled to breath with Kanda's weight over his chest. For someone who had just woken up, that damn man moved like lightning. The black braid that smacked him directly across the left eye made him let out another whine. His hair was heavy and he wasn't moving back, so Allen was stuck.

A movement between them caused the tension to break with a snap. Two pairs of eyes—and a nosy green eye—looked at the lump beneath the fabric in Kanda's robe. Somewhere around his side, Timcanpy was fluttering around—stuck in a pocket of space just above the belt of the robe. "Hey, hey, hey, knock that off in there, you little shiii…" Kanda bit his lip suddenly and tried not to react. He really did, but Timcanpy was fluttering into the wrong rib and it was causing him extreme discomfort in the form of an itching tickle.

He was turning into a horrible mix of pissed off, flustered and horrified. Grinding his teeth, he tried hard not to make any noise. His vision was going blurry and he prodded desperately at Timcanpy to get him the fuck out, but the little fucker was rolled up in the robe.

"BaKanda?"

"Shutupbeansprout," he grit and a little slip of a chuckle came through at the end.

"Are you…"

He pulled at the robe, trying to shake Timcanpy out, who seemed to be mistaking this action for play. "Isaidshutupyoulittlefucknut."

"…Ticklish?"

"**.**Getitout."

"What?"

Kanda leaned forward, taking Allen's collar with a force that almost broke the boy's neck. "RemoveTimcanpyfrommenow,beforeIdismantleitforever."

Despite his intense claim otherwise, Allen could feel Kanda's toes curling against his legs at the moving lump in his robe continued to frolic against his ribs. This…he never would have expected. For a second, he sort of felt…bad for the man. Then he remembered Kanda expected him to remove Timcanpy…from his robe—in which he was wearing nothing under. "B…BaKanda, I can't, you're…"

"**What!**"

"Naked!"

"You'veseenitallanyway!"

All the heat in Allen's body pooled to his face at the memory. "…A…And you have my arms pinned!"

Kanda's leg hold on Allen's arms gave away and he glared him down until the boy pulled an arm free. The man wasn't moving much more than that—his back arching at the way Tim was prodding into his side. He could swear…he could swear he felt the little creep's tongue and it explained why he felt paralyzed with the fear of actually laughing out loud because of that particular ticklish spot. He'd rather look like he was being struck by lightning, than actually let a shred of humiliated laughter slip out.

"Don'tkillme," Allen grunted and pulled Kanda closer, letting go to get his arm into the fold of the robe and feel out Timcanpy amongst the sea of fluffy fabric. His fingers brushed against Kanda's side and he felt the man tense up again. _Don't do that. _"Come on Timcanpy, stop moving," he whined and dug deeper until he felt one of Tim's little wings. He took hold of it, but was met with resistance. A sharp spot of pain shot up his arm and Allen realized Timcanpy had bitten him! "Tiiiiim!" He cried letting go.

"Damnit,fucking,fuckitthisdidn'thappen!" Kanda growled and pushed Allen out of his way, pulling the bathrobe tie from its secure knot. The near tears building in his eyes from this torture via Timcanpy was too much, even for him. He opened the robe, keeping the bottom part as closed as he possibly could with one hand, while his other reached back and swung as hard as he could into the half exposed body of the golem that had apparently gotten its tail caught under the tie and simply couldn't get out.

Timcanpy catapulted out of the fabric and right into the side of Lavi's head. The redhead, who had been steadily laughing the entire time, was silenced and let out a pained yelp.

With a sudden burst, the training door flew open, "I heard screaming! Is everything…oka….y," a startled voice from the door way, began before it trailed off into something more stupefied.

"Everything's just fuckin fine, just go awa—"

"Oh hi, Lenalee. Everything's okay. He just wasn't finished giving Allen his lapdance!" Lavi added cheerily, giving the shocked girl a thumbs up.

Kanda saw red.

**_To Be Continued…_**

* * *

><p><em>AN: I'm breaking Kanda so hard LOL.**  
>Your reviews make my life. Like, no, seriously. The mind shattering 24 reviews made my heart flutter.<strong> _

**_Suki Miko: _**_lol Kanda will never be the same._**_ Styrie:_**_ It'll only get crazier. I promise._**_  
>EXO718: <em>**_Boys will be boys! Moral, don't mess with Kanda when he has any semblance of an upper hand!_**_  
>3 Akuma 3<em>**_: Why thank you!_**_ JewelRinoa: _**_They're tough boys~_**_  
>WakeToSanity: <em>**_I had to give Kanda something for his troubles HAH! (__ﾉ◕ヮ◕)__ﾉ*:__･ﾟ✧ __I cannot seem to stay away from sex jokes rofl. I'm so mature._**_  
>Chubby-king-chocobo: <em>**_I have good luck like that lol! I hope I continue to please!_**_  
>Raicheda: <em>**_I don't know if I should be happy you're laughing or worried you're doing it while sick. (__ﾉ◕ヮ◕)__ﾉ*:__･ﾟ✧ __Stop it. Stay healthy._**_  
>Marufu-chan: <em>**_He's getting something, xD poor Tim._**_ UsuixMisakilover: _**_:P I prefer Lenalee with Lavi, myself._**_  
>BunnySenpai: <em>**_….EW. I thought I was messed up D:_**_ Shadow Amarilis: _**_Kanda's been shattered from the neck up, lol._**_  
>Fridayyythe13th: <em>**_ …Don't think of stuff like that D: I don't. I'm just the fucked up person giving everyone else the idea._**_  
>TheOtakuSupreme: <em>**_I don't think I'll have a Komlin in here, too typical :P_**_  
>Lotus Seed: <em>**_Kanda is a combination of brain shattered and evil. A frightening thing._**_  
>Lazy Gaga: <em>**_:D All the love. Have sparkles: (__ﾉ◕ヮ◕)__ﾉ*:__･ﾟ✧_**_ Flower mirage: _**_I'm glad I could write that fic then!_**_  
>LePetitErik: <em>**_Hopefully it continues to make you happy :_**_ AkixYuseiGRL: _**_Tim is a powerful weapon if Utilized.  
><strong>Lingering Sorrow: <strong>Lol Lavi on his "hammer" just made me shudder and rofl at the same time._**_  
>Chariot of Chaos: <em>**_:D Yay. I'm funny and a good way this time._**_  
>Darker Than Black12: <em>**_It's a dish best served cold!_**_  
>Simply anonymous: <em>**_Sadly, this is not the last Kanda and Tim will see of the science department experiments XD_**_  
>Yukaharu: <em>**_ LOL I would love to be there two. All the naked mens. (__ﾉ◕ヮ◕)__ﾉ*:__･ﾟ✧_

_**Moyashi:**__(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ I love you, even if you think I'm insane.  
><em>


	11. Insomnia

**Kiss Me, My Pretty**_  
>Part Eleven<em>

It couldn't have been much later than two am. Everything was quiet and nothing but the rain pounding the glass filtered into his room. With Timcanpy nestled against his throat, he realized with dread that he was not going to fall asleep. His sleep pattern had been utterly trounced by the full "night of sleep" he'd gotten during the afternoon. He cursed himself—staring up at his ceiling with distaste. He'd been staring at that ceiling for roughly four hours. And yet, he was still wide awake. Beansprout was going to pay…The redheaded moron was going to pay…Komui was going to pay for making such a horrific experiment to begin with—that is, if the crazy bastard didn't kill him first for accidentally giving Lenalee an eyeful.

He groaned at the thought. He'd tried so hard to save face after Lavi's fucking lap dancing comment, but Allen was moron and didn't realize he was holding Kanda's bathrobe. Unfortunately, Kanda didn't realize it either. Not until he tried to remove himself from Allen and found himself—once more—wearing nothing but a bracelet. Lenalee was smart enough to realize what happened and she bolted before he could even scream at her. Her face was the brightest pink he'd ever seen on her, though.

Damn it all.

He took all of the rage he had at that moment and directed it at Lavi. Lavi was an easy target and not as quick as Allen. He also wasn't perfectly capable of mirroring his moves like Allen could when they decided to strangely be on the same wavelength. This helped make every attack against the little redheaded bastard unexpected and he was thorough in pounding Lavi's poor skull in. Did he care that he was beating the boy half into his grave… while naked? Not at that moment. Only when Lavi started begging for mercy angels to take him away, did he let up—dropping him on the floor; turning to be greeted by Allen. The boy's head was turned away and he was holding a change of clothes for him.

His face was pinker than Lenalee's.

He snatched the clothes and dressed, before leaving them both there. Thinking back, he wondered why on Earth the expression on Allen's face made him look like _he_ was the embarrassed one. He wasn't the one who had been caught _naked_ by the three people he had to deal with the most. That made Kanda subconsciously groan. He had to see them everyday to some extent. He quietly begged for a mission. If not for him—then at least for one or all of them.

Timcanpy fluttered at the vibration caused by the low groan. The damn golden annoyance was responsible for this. And it didn't have a single ability to regret or even realize it was pissing him right the fuck off.

"What do you want?" He grumbled, flicking the stupid thing off so that he could sit up in his bed. It was clear that staring at nothing wouldn't accomplish anything.

One foot after the other, he swung his legs over the side of the bed and committed to getting up. His room was too stifling and he wouldn't deny being somewhat hungry. _The kitchen it is._ Swatting at Tim, he shuffled out the door; walking the hall with nothing but silence and beansprout's golem as his companions.

He stepped into the dining hall and looked around. He was apparently the only one with the two am wandering syndrome. That was perfectly fine by him. It wasn't like he was much of a social butterfly to begin with—at two in the morning, he was most likely even less tolerant.

Tossing Timcanpy to the side once more—to fly by himself—he moved into Jerry's kitchen. As long as he cleaned up his mess, the cook wouldn't get too upset with him. Jerry always seemed strangely fond of him despite his constant brooding persona, so he suspected he could just make some kind of uncharacteristic "please don't be mad" expression and he'd get away with it. Though, Jerry didn't seem to mind in the past, when he'd been caught in the kitchen by himself.

Picking through the available ingredients was a task to do in the dark, so he begrudgingly lit some candle lanterns. Not the most discreet thing in the world, but it would give him the light necessary to pick out a few things to toss into one of the few things he could cook that wouldn't double as a torturing method. A couple potatoes. Some carrots. Celery. A few other assorted vegetables. And some broth—made during the previous meal—that was being chilled in an icebox that Komui's nutty bunch had managed to devise. He had a slightly unknown aversion to most meats due to his pickiness—Jerry being the only person who could cook it and not make it taste like blood. The taste of blood had long ago stopped being pleasant.

In fact, the taste of blood was _never_ pleasant.

Vegetables were stacked on the small counter by a stove, where he chopped and placed them in the pot with the broth. It wasn't soba, no; but it was rather fitting for the chilly weather. He was just hungry for something warm…something that also wouldn't taste like it could give him the bubonic plague.

"Kanda?" A voice filtered in through the dark and he already knew who it was. There weren't that many people willing to approach him in such a manner; and even less of them were female.

"Sit down," he instructed Lenalee and he heard her pull a chair out. "It'll take a few minutes to heat up." He muttered, dropping the softer—quicker to cook—vegetables in with the ones already cooking.

Timcanpy hovered around him for a moment before dropping down on his shoulder. As long as the little bastard didn't move, he'd be fine.

"I know…It's been a long time since I've seen you in here, Kanda. You must not be able to sleep."

"Look who's talking."

"Yeah…well…" She trailed off. Talking to him was always a complicated starting process. He just didn't communicate well with others at all. Luckily, she was persistent and knew him fairly well. "About earlier…." A small groan came from the usually quiet man. She knew he was probably a bit sore over that one. That would have been an uncomfortable experience for anyone. Not that she didn't appreciate the full frontal….but she at least wanted to give him some kind of peace of mind if possible… "I…really…uh…didn't see anything…So you don't have to feel uncomfortable…"

"You suck at lying, woman," he snorted and prodded at Tim, who snapped his jaws unthreateningly at him.

"I was trying to be nice," she huffed.

"I'm not that upset by it. Really. I'll just kill that beansprout and the moron and everything will be fine."

"Is Timcanpy really bothered you that much?" She opted for a swift subject change.

"It's annoying, but if it just sits there, then I don't care all that much. I was more annoyed by dipshit one and two."

At the mention of his name, Timcanpy fluttered once more and stuck his tongue out and licked Kanda's neck a few times before the man could grab him and pull his face apart at the cheeks. "You little fuck ass, stop licking me."

Chuckling filtered in from the direction of Lenalee and this caused Kanda to sigh and drop Tim on the counter. He stared the golem down for a moment and then pressed a finger on the space next to Tim. The golem's attention shifted to the single digit that was tracking across the counter space. It hopped across the space until it found the small pile of remnants from the vegetables that Kanda had chopped before. The hand stopped and picked up the end of a carrot and offered it to the golem. Opening his mouth, Timcanpy accepted it with a hop.

_It's not hard to make this stupid thing happy,_ Kanda mused and continued to pile the scraps into the flying garbage disposal.

"Aww…."

His eyes snapped up to see that the girl had moved and was leaning in the window over the counter…watching him. She had one of those sweet smiles that only Lenalee was able to do and make it seem so…infectious. Or rather, infectious in the feeling. He wouldn't smile just because someone else did…actually, he wasn't sure if his face could handle smiling more than once a decade. "Shut up," he grumbled, shoving a potato peel into Tim's mouth. The sounds of crunching filled the silence between them for several moments.

"Tim's happy, Kanda. He must like food like Allen does~"

"Beansprout would vacuum the kitchen with his face if he was given free reign to. Not that I care. He can eat a whole field of livestock if he wants."

Lenalee watched his expressions with interest. He was special in the way he didn't realize how adorable he could be. Not that she would _tell_ him that. He would just deny it and make unpleasant faces at her. Those were things she was used to. It wasn't just yesterday that she'd met him, after all. "I think you don't mind Allen as much as you say."

"Like hell," a snort echoed in the kitchen. He went back to stirring the stew, occasionally adding spices as needed. This wasn't exactly his forte, but he'd taste it until it was passable.

"I'm serious. He annoys you, but so does Lavi. You're much meaner to Lavi though. It's almost like you_ enjoy_ bickering with Allen."

"Woman," he threatened, holding the spoon out at her, "stop talking this nonsense."

She leaned forward and licked the spoon, sampling his work. "It's not bad, Kanda. More pepper, maybe."

"You are lucky that you're a woman," he grunted, not able to stop Timcanpy from hopping energetically up his arm and perching before Lenalee.

"Oh hi, Timcanpy. Haha. Are you enjoying your date with Kanda?"

A twitch presented itself over Kanda's face and his teeth nearly broke in on themselves, "it's not a _date_. That's a damn golem. Not a person."

"It's the closest you'll get to a date with that attitude, Kanda. And it's such a shame. You can be such a gentleman, sometimes."

"What are you on?"

"Huh?"

"What are you smoking, Lenalee Lee? Because you're blathering nonsense." The spoon returned to its place, stirring the content of the pot. "I have no interest in silly courtships. Any sane person would do wise to stay away from me, or face Mugen."

"I think you have to worry about finding sane people around here. I mean, look at Lavi. He's crazy enough to risk death to tease you."

He just gave her a look. It was a mixture of annoyed and bored. This was the most he'd willingly spoken in a while. It was just an effect of Lenalee's. Only she seemed to know how to speak with him without it ending with someone getting hurt, or him leaving. Considering he was the first, he was certainly not leaving; and he couldn't hurt Lenalee if he wanted to. She was like his little sister. Sort of. "Are you telling me that the idiot is going to confess his undying love to me? Because first, he's a bookman; and second, he likes _you._"

She blinked at him at sat back, "wh…what? He does not! Kanda! Don't tease me like that! That's just mean!"

"You started it."

"A…And if anyone would confess affections for you, it wouldn't be Lavi. It would be Allen!"

Kanda casually—face as bland as ever—sat the spoon on the counter. It was almost comical in the way he started the slow, taunting clapping. Each clap echoed and along with it, echoed Lenalee's confusion. Timcanpy hopped around on his shoulder, before he took to the air, bouncing from him to her, then darting off to the body that had appeared behind her—without her noticing. When she finally did catch on, her expression changed and his clapping became extremely relevant.

"Nice of you to join us..."

"Uhhh…." The body being addressed squirmed under the Japanese man's gaze.

"…_Beansprout_."

**To Be Continued…**

* * *

><p><em>AN: Sorry for the delays! I had a period of "I hate everything, everyone and most of all, myself." And I needed to filter that out. In other words, I had a Kanda moment, but I'm better. It's more like a Lavi moment now. _

_There were 29 reviews. Holy shit. I'd thank you all individually, but I think I'm going to use the motivation of all those—holyshit—reviews, to start on the next chapter. This chapter was a transition chapter to the next round of torture. Cept…whose torture, we don't know yet! Thank you thank you thank you again! All the responses let me know I'm doing something right!_


	12. Family

**Kiss Me, My Pretty**_  
>Part Twelve<em>

Silence reined supreme between the three individuals in the dark kitchen. Kanda was casually moving about the cooking area, cleaning up his mess and adding whatever was needed into the makeshift stew he started. Upon seeing Allen, he knew he would probably benefit from simply adding the rest of the vegetables and broth he pulled—instead of putting it back. Allen could vacuum what ever was left over, easily. And if for some reason Allen didn't have room for it, he could simply hold Timcanpy open and pour the rest of it in his new flying garbage disposal.

He was completely unaffected by Lenalee shooting her mouth off about things she didn't really know, but the strange way the bastard beansprout responded was confusing him…Extremely so. It wasn't like his usual outburst of denial. Normally, he would have growled and made some snide comment about his face being too girly. But when Lenalee had made that comment about Allen being more likely to _confess his undying love_, Allen only told, "_Lenalee….d….don't be silly. Kanda's too much of a…haha, a jerk._"

It wasn't like the little tardmuffin was being discreet in how awkward he felt. Perhaps it was because of the events of the day that managed to ruin Kanda's sleep pattern, or maybe beansprout had finally lost his mind. Kanda did not know. Kanda did not care. He had enough shit to deal with in Timcanpy, who was persistently flying around picking things up to hand to him so he could put them away.

Allen's dumbass reactions could be put aside and saved for later analyzing; or possibly simply to be forgotten. It wasn't something that he really had any business in anyway…though, he really was confused and curious at the near passiveness Allen had. It could also be because of Lenalee's presence. He was generally nicer around her…It could also be because it was the middle of the night. Any sane person would be mellower in the middle of the night…

Of course, Lenalee had made a point about finding sane people in the Black Order.

"It's almost ready," he muttered, searching for bowls to put his concoction in—grabbing a larger one for Allen without even thinking about it. By the time he placed the bowl on the table, he'd realized he'd actually taken Allen into consideration and it made him snarl a tiny bit.

A loud clank in front of him nearly made him jump back and he balled his fist up and prepared to cram it into the thing that created the sudden noise. He restrained himself with a growl and eyeballed the golem that had dropped into Allen's bowl and curled up in it. His body and tail fit in the bowl comfortably and Kanda nearly considered pouring the stew in and serving it anyway.

"Get the hell out of there, you fucknut. That's a bowl not your bed," he grunted and lifted the bowl to dump Timcanpy out of it. He set the bowl back on the table and watched the silly little golem hop right back in it. "Timcanpy...what the fuck did I just say?" With a flick, he tossed Timcanpy out of the bowl and right into Allen's head. It wasn't on purpose actually…Allen's head just happened to be in the way.

"Nnnng! Ow, BaKanda! Are you trying to give me a concussion!" The white haired boy rubbed the bruising spot on his forehead, making a face at the uncaring man who was still armed with a ceramic bowl.

"It's not my fault your head was in the way of your damn critter. And it's not my fault he's fuckin retarded!"

"You keep smashing your fist into him, it's your fault! You're retarding him!"

"It's a goddamned golem! I can't retard a golem!"

"Well, he was fine before you retard punched him!"

"This fuckin thing was always retarded, and so are you!"

"Look who's talking captain retard!"

"Say that to my face, fuckbag," Kanda growled and leaned over the counter, bowl still dangerously poised. The little beansprout bastard was testing his patience again, like he always seemed to do and he was not above making him eat the ceramic bowl.

Allen jumped up and moved into a threateningly close proximity to Kanda, eyes blazing with challenge and almost dancing with a quiet delight at the prospect of a fight with the bitchy swordsman. Kanda's eyes reflected the same itching desire.

Not that either of them noticed it in their boyish fury, but Lenalee was a quiet observer. She saw the way the two of them only seemed to tick each other quite like they did. They were masters at picking each other's fuses down, then lighting a giant match. She knew somewhere in all of that menacing gruff, the two of them would be very good friends. Perhaps not right away, but she knew—somewhere inside her, that they had some kind of bond…

"You little maggot, I hope you drown!"

…_Maybe._

"At least I'll stay dead!"

"**Good**. Less of you to deal with later!"

"Hey! Hey! Both of you stop it!" She finally intervened. As much as she _enjoyed _watching them pick at each other like angry harpies, she didn't really want them creating any disturbances, especially when they probably were not supposed to be in the kitchen area when it was closed. "Can't you both be nice?"

"Him? Nice. HA."

"Allen!"

Both of them made faces at each other, but didn't speak another hostile word for the sake of the intense glare being given to them both by Lenalee. She was joined by Timcanpy, who fluttered about her shoulders for a moment—before darting back to Kanda and placing himself back in the bowl in Kanda's hand. Two pairs of eyes stare down at the golem and then back to each other—each with an accusatory glint.

"I told you it was retarded."

"Because of you."

Kanda swung his arm and Timcanpy hurled back out of the bowl and flopped into Allen's face—this time, not hard enough to hurt. The man turned with a soft "tch" and moved to take his food concoction off the heat before it burned or boiled over. It was almost done, anyway. "Whatever, just shut up and keep it busy while I dish food out, you numbnut. Or you'll be eating Timcanpy Stew."

"How can I keep it busy? It's obsessed with _you!_ He'll just flit away from me."

"Timcanpy…" Lenalee's voice filtered into the air, reaching toward the yellow flying ball. She smiled and reached her arm out to try and connect with Tim before he could even attempt to dart back to Kanda. This action succeeded in getting the golem's attention and offered a distraction long enough for Kanda to fill the bowls and keep him out of them.

"W…why does he go to you, but not me?"

"Maybe because you're annoying, beansprout."

"Oh shut up, BaKanda!"

"You two…" She puffed her cheeks and gave them her warning look. If they didn't stop cutting each other's throats, she would be forced to give them a reason to behave. They could really be little brats. "Stop that. We're supposed to be quiet! You'll get us in trouble if you don't behave."

"If we're not in trouble already, then I don't think anyone is going to bother," Kanda spoke, adding a quiet grunt to the end of his statement. "Besides, who is really going to stop us?" His eyes went from Lenalee, to Allen, then back to Lenalee. "Between us, we could probably slaughter this entire Black Order if we were deranged enough."

"Kanda…" Lenalee's eyes cast over him before dropping down into her lap. "Don't say stuff like that. We're a family."

"I'm not part of this _family_ business. I'm just a fellow exorcist and that is all. I'm here because I have to be."

An uncomfortable silence trickled into the room and Kanda set about shooing the returning golem away while he dished out food for the two fellow insomniacs that decided to join him in his middle of the night food run. He really wasn't feeling like socializing, but it was simply easier to let them exist in his presence until they went away. He was too tired to put forth the effort to kick them out.

"Kanda."

Great. The annoying _moyashi's_ voice.

"What do you want?" He snapped, placing the bowl in front of the brat and setting one for Lenalee. If the damned beansprout kept that up, he would make him clean the kitchen after.

"I just…Sorry. I just don't see you as just another exorcist."

Sitting at the table across from Lenalee, Kanda shot a bored look at the silver haired boy who seemed to be floundering for words. "What nonsense are you pouring out of your face now?"

"You can be such a dick, yeah," Allen nodded at his own statement to emphasize his point, "but you're not just a stranger. You're more than that, BaKanda. Lenalee will tell you…Lavi will tell you."

"And what about you, _moyashi_. Are you going to tell me I'm the big brother you never had?"

"No. You're more than that," the boy answered before taking a mouthful of the stew. His attention seemed drawn back down to the food before him, as if his words hadn't actually come out like they came out to Kanda.

For once, Kanda really was at a loss for how to respond.

**To Be Continued…**

* * *

><p><em>AN: Ah yes, it's been a while. I hadn't forgotten, I just kinda…derped real hard and forgot a part I wanted to put in, so I spent a long time trying to re-step my original thinking process to try and remember where the idea had popped up and make it re-pop up. OTL _

_All your reviews are so much appreciated. You guys have no idea how much I appreciate it! I shall be quicker on the next chapter. I will say, there won't be entirely too much of this left, before I flop around to the sequel, where I break Kanda again. So thanks for hanging out on the ride!_


	13. Kiss

**Kiss Me, My Pretty**_  
>Part Thirteen<em>

"He really said that?"

"Yes. He's broken. And you need to fix him before he gets on my fucking nerves with this passive aggressive pleasantry shit."

"He's being nice... And you're mad about that?"

"YES."

"Well...Yuu...he just thinks of you as more than just a face. What's the problem with that?"

"Everything is the problem with that, you stupid shit. I don't need him thinking I'm his friend!" His voice raised several octaves as his irritation was let out in heavy spurts. He had just about had enough. The stupid bastard's golem was still attached to him like a cancer and now the little shit himself was acting like a damn freak. The beansprout hadn't even bothered him for a moment all of the day following his spewing those words. There was something extremely wrong with that picture; especially after he had claimed that he wouldn't leave him alone until Tim was fixed.

Timcanpy was certainly not fixed-as he noted the moving lump in his Asian garb. The little asshat seemed to enjoy making his nest on the inside of his shirt. As long as it didn't prod around on his sides-like the last time-it could stay there. It was better there, where it was out of sight; rather than on his head or fluttering in his face.

"You don't think of him as a friend?" The redhead finally asked, his one green eye blinking as if this question was actually asked in surprise. Like it was some kind of shock that Kanda Yuu wouldn't refer to someone as his friend.

"And why the hell would he be? Have we ever even slightly gotten along?"

"No. But you complement each other so well. I just assumed the fighting was...I dunno...friendly rivalry."

"Friendly rivalry? Really?" Dark eyes exuded the most bored expression imaginable.

"Or a bromance."

"Fucking... Bromance? What the shit does that even mean?"

"Oh come on, you know. It's like, really close bros. Yours is more like a marriage though, Hahaha!" Lavi's laughter trickled in small first, then progressively grew stronger until he was full on choking on laughter. It was only really funny to him because it felt true. Especially after what Lenalee had hold him happened the night before—that which Kanda himself had confirmed just moments before.

Allen totally had the hots for the grouchy bastard.

And the grouchy bastard totally didn't even know it.

It was funny. So funny in fact, he just kept gasping for air because his laughter was spilling out faster then his ability to recover precious air. Even when the man's hands wrapped around his throat and started shaking him, he couldn't stop. If he'd been asked before, he'd have told anyone that he thought those two were going to rip each other's heads off. Now he thought those two were going to turn into the most hilarious case of "best friends forever" he'd ever seen.

"Kanda!"

The world stopped moving and Lavi sucked in one more breath and let out his last chuckle. Despite the whole world spinning, he could see Lenalee and even detail the scolding expression on her lovely face. She was always coming to his rescue when the hands of death threatened to take him from this world.

"Hi Lenalee~" He gasped and waved, his face still turning blue.

"Let go of him! You're going to kill him!"

"That's the point!" One more swift shake and Kanda dropped the redhead to the floor. This motion caused a disturbance in the bundled golem and Timcanpy started to flail around in there. "Oh come on, will you just stay calm in there!" He screamed at the moving lump just above his belt.

"Kanda? Are you okay?"

"It's just Beansprout's fucking golem," he groused and pointed at the moving spot so she could see and not think he was actually just screaming at nothing. "It wants to be near me at all fucking times."

"Because it loves you, Yuu~"

A foot moved down on Lavi's chest and settled into his sternum, grinding just enough to make the redhead flinch. "Call me that again and you'll be drowning in your own blood and trust me, I can make that a reality for you."

"Awhh…" A cough broke between the half hearted chuckle, "don't be such a downer. Timcanpy is just projecting his master after all!"

"Lavi!" A helpless cry erupted from Lenalee and Lavi knew why her voice sounded like it was a strangled plea for him to cease and desist. If he kept right on, then Kanda was probably going to break his legs and then fold him up like a pretzel to let him die in a puddle of his own blood. Even if she didn't exactly disagree with Lavi, she didn't want him to press his luck.

"You really want to be killed by me don't you, _baka Usagi._"

"Hng…Yes. Ah…give it to me, Yuu," Lavi moaned at the increasing pressure against his poor sternum and ribs. His arms drifted up and he snuck his fingers under Kanda's pant leg and kneaded into the flexing muscles of his calf. "Oh, Yuuuuu. Feel these muscles. So strong~"

"What in the blazing blue fucks are you doing, you crazy bastard? Get off my leg!" The black haired man tried to pull his leg off, but found Lavi's intent finally kicked in and his arms hugged around his calf just enough to keep him in place. "Damn you! Let me go. I have enough things after my body!"

"But Yuu….hnnnng, I just can't get enough of you~ You're just delicious~!"

Kanda's foot stomped down on Lavi's chest again and he tried to get free of the hold, "I swear to god, I will end you!" One more hard yank and he realized that Lavi had purposely let his leg go just before he could stop himself. He tried to step back and get away from the creeping freak, but he found himself toppling forward over Lavi. With lightning quickness, he had his arms out ready to catch himself; but even his speedy reflexes couldn't stop him from ending up straddling over Lavi in a horrifically provocative manner that seemed to please the Bookman too much.

It pleased him so much, in fact, that a smile crept along his face and he casually wrapped his arms around the man's neck; "oh, Yuu! So forward today~ This is such a surprise. And in front of a lady no less."

Between Lavi's invading his personal space and Timcanpy making a ruckus in his robes, his attention was scattered and he was growing with frustration that made him want to smash his skull into Lavi's until the bookman blacked out. Instead, he chose to place his palms against his chest and try to push away—finding out that Lavi's strong hold was a lot more solid than he originally thought.

"Let me fucking go, Usagi!" _Too close. Too close. Too close_. "If you don't let me go, I swear to fucking god you will wish you were dead!"

"But Yuu~ You can't just tease me and deny me~ Just one quick, kiss~"

"**WHOA. Hold the phone!**" Kanda's voice nearly cracked glass with the way he barked in response to that statement. Whatever flip he accidentally switched and broke Lavi's intelligence center of his brain, he really was beginning to wish he hadn't. "Wake the hell up you, moron. You're not _gay_!"

"I'll be gay for you, anyday, Yuu~" The redhead cooed again and began to pull Kanda's face closer to his own.

The sudden molestation was beginning to make Kanda feel panicked in addition to raging. Touching people was against his belief system…being touched by people was against that times two. Kissing someone was against his _everything_. Being kissed by Lavi was against that times **forever.**

"No! Fucking….stop it…you little…No no no no no no no!" He closed his eyes on reaction. Not because he was afraid of the situation itself—which, he was terrified of whatever broken thing was happening in Lavi's mind—but because he was horrified of his face touching Lavi's. Lavi was…Lavi…and he honestly thought he would gag the moment his face came too close for comfort. The redhead wasn't unattractive or disgusting, but…it was _Lavi. _That would be like kissing his brother. Sort of.

No.

It was like kissing _Lavi._

And that was just _wrong._

A noise filtered in the air between them and a long, silent, and uncomfortable moment passed before Kanda dared to open his eyes. If he saw Lavi's face that close on his…he was probably going to vomit. But the moment his eyes opened and he recognized a large amount of gold directly in his vision, he realized he'd been intercepted by Timcanpy. His face was pressed into the side of Timcanpy and the little golem seemed to be happier than it should—flapping its wings enthusiastically. Kanda couldn't even begin to understand why; because he hadn't done anything to it, other than use it as a cushion between he and Lavi.

_Wait._

_I just inadvertently kissed a…_

"You are dead."

"Yuu?" Lavi said, cheerfully, from beneath him. His arms dropped from around the man's shoulder and he let Kanda sit up like a spring. He was prepared for the terrible backlash that came from doing what he did, but seeing the man that flustered and angry and off his rocker was almost worth the possible beating.

Dark eyes stared down—looking like the devil was possessing the Asian man. He looked ready to kill. "You just forced me to kiss Timcanpy."

"You weren't gonna do it on your own! Besides~! You are so precious when you're all shy and saving yourself for that special someone~ I'm almost jealous. Outside of your evil exterior, you're a real sensiti—EEP, okay, okay, I'm done!" He squeaked with a loud gasp, holding his hands closer to his face in defense of Kanda's threat to jab his fingers into his neck until he begged for mercy.

" You have invaded my personal space and in front of a woman, no less. I wonder what she thinks of you. You sick little fuck."

"Hmm…If anything she looks like she was enjoying the show~"

"I…" The girl yelped at being caught by Lavi's watchful eye. She turned and looked in any other direction she could. It wasn't like she could really help it. There were two attractive men contorted on the floor in the most suggestive manner possible. Her mind was going to wander. "I was not. You guys…need to get up…before someone gets the wrong impression…"

"Not before I break his neck."

"Oh come on Yuu! It was for a good cause! Timcanpy looks so happy he could just be cured at any moment, if he's not already~ Then you can move on peacefully about your business. Nice and free…single and available for any other suitors~"

"What the _hell_ are you on, Bookman?"

"Life, baby~!"

With that, Kanda began to shake the redhead by the neck again. He just couldn't even stand it. He was so mad; raging to the point of putting his fist into something that could fight back so he could try again and again until he ran out of energy.

In fact…

He stood up, staring down at Lavi with deadly eyes, "I'm going away. If I see you at all for the rest of this day, I will make certain to remove you from your pants…the _hard way._" He emphasized, giving Lavi an exact idea of what that meant by a hand motion that suggested Mugen's sharp end would be involved in this separation process.

He walked away smoothly, but not before making certain to step on the redhead's chest one last time. The small cry that invaded his ears didn't even make him look back. Venting was his priority. Something with fists and the ability to take a hit was needed at the moment and despite how weird the little shit was being, Allen Walker was the perfect punching bag.

**To be Continued…**

* * *

><p><em>AN: Poor Kanda. Everyone wants a piece of him. _

_**Booberry123:** I updated a little quicker this time XD!**  
>Etomacity:<strong> Oh no, I refuse to drop this one! It has too much potential and a sequel later on . It's too much fun to make go away. Kanda and Allen would be total BFFs if they were destined to romp each other.**  
>Lazy Gaga<strong>: xD And I'm back to breaking Kanda. Haha!**  
>Lotus Seed:<strong> Timcanpy was jealous of Allen, and decided to sleep in his bowl XD well…sort of.**  
>JewelRinoa:<strong> Tim is the best!**  
>Chibi123Poof:<strong> Timcanpy is a little troll haha!**  
>WobblyJelly<strong>: :D Kanda makes a fabulous mom. LOL**  
>Cheesybeans:<strong> Moar update yay!**  
>MexiJew:<strong> xD The Yullen in this will be very discreet, because the good part happens in the sequel.**  
>DutchyPuppy:<strong> This story is so retarded, that I fail basic life functions after I write a chapter. XD**  
>Marufu-chan<strong>: Sankyew (__ﾉ◕ヮ◕__)__ﾉ__*:__･ﾟ✧**  
>Chibi-dears XD:<strong> Allen is all fluff XD**  
>Me the awesome [anon reviewer]<strong> xD Here's your Kanda torture. You're welcome.**_  
>DGrayManGRL<em>**: I love to tease~**  
>Spiro911<strong>: Kanda is such a derp and he doesn't even know it.**  
>Mizuki Shibara<strong>: (__ﾉ◕ヮ◕__)__ﾉ__*:__･ﾟ✧ __why thank yew.**  
>EXO718:<strong> It's delicious and nutritious.**  
>WillowC1:<strong> XD Glad you enjoyed.**  
>Sonnenkoenigen:<strong> You are mighty welcome!**  
>1Q84:<strong> And I hath delivered (__ﾉ◕ヮ◕__)__ﾉ__*:__･ﾟ✧**  
>WakeToSanity:<strong> Ah my darling. |D You're my favorite reviewer, and I write everything thinking "how can I break WakeToSanity today?" I'm ded srs too. I will harvest all of your emotions like I do to Pantera and Moyashi. (__ﾉ◕ヮ◕__)__ﾉ__*:__･ﾟ✧ __you three supply my feels bank. Because I live on the tears of Orphans and emotions of my readers. _

_Thank you everyone! You guys are troopers XD_


	14. Miss

**Kiss Me, My Pretty  
><strong>_Part Fourteen_

A fist swung and missed as its target vanished from the spot he'd just been in. The smaller body moved with a startled alarm and an uncanny fear for his life at that immediate moment—and for a very good reason. The curled fist that wavered in the empty space belonged to a seething man who looked ready to end him—and perhaps the rest of the world with him. It wasn't a particularly new look on the long-haired swordsman; but it was directed with a fresh passion that usually meant he was just recently prodded enough to send him to the only other person who he could throw a punch at an not likely break in half in one hit.

"K…Kanda!" Allen's voice escaped in a pitched show of fear. Not a fear caused directly by Kanda, but rather the uncontrolled display by the man. They fought and tumbled more than most would ever even realize, but this wasn't built up from anything. This was out of the blue and his brain couldn't quite understand it. "What the hell, BaKanda!"

"Shut up and stand still," Kanda ignored any words that were set to come from that beansprout's face. Words were more effort than a nice punch to the throat. His irritation at Lavi, the whole shit with the golem, and Allen's abnormal behavior had finally made him snap. After he was done wearing himself out by beating on Allen for a while, he could calmly go pulverize Komui into fixing Timcanpy for good.

That redheaded idiot thought that his cheap little trick worked, but he was fucking wrong, apparently. Timcanpy, the little golden fuckass, was still clamoring after him like a lovesick puppy; tail coiled around his arm and holding on for dear life as the object of its affections leaped after its previous master with intent to harm.

"AHH! Like anyone would stand still with your pleasant face bearing down on them!" Allen yelped and jumped out of Kanda's fist path. He'd seen the velocity at which Kanda had slammed Timcanpy across the room. That into anyone's face directly would not be pleasant and he wasn't looking for broken bones today. Likely, a broken bone would be the nicest thing Kanda managed. "Calm down, Kanda!" he tried. Talking never worked on Kanda much, but if he could rile the man up enough to at least spill what had made him insane, he would have a place to start in calming the typhoon known as Kanda. However…that wouldn't be easy.

"I said, shut the fuck up and hold still!" The growl dropped off like an indignant hiss. He wasn't in the mood for Allen's pansy talk and all he wanted was to feel the nice hard slam of knuckles into the annoyance's face. It was because of this little idiot that his life had been bombarded with a catastrophe of insanity. More embarrassments than he could name in one sitting had been done to him in the span of little more than twenty four hours and the beansprout had the nerve to avoid him! Laying him prey to the redheaded idiot's poor sense of logic? Somehow, Kanda did not think that forcing Timcanpy in front of his mouth was enough to break a seal meant to make another thing fall in love with someone.

Actually, the whole concept was off the wall stupid and he wanted to break Komui's neck and drag him around by it as a warning to the rest of the idiot scientists running around under the man's command. Stop making these stupid experiments that end up doing nothing but turning people's lives into unreasonable jokes or he would personally shove each individual up his or her own ass. And he was nearly dead serious about the thoughts he was having with that. As he darted after the quick little shit, he considered exactly how he'd have to bend a person to invite them personally into their own colon.

"Kanda! This is stupid! I didn't do anything! You can't just attack me with no reason!" Allen skidded to a stop and turned his body just before Kanda's fingers would have curled in his shirt.

A deft turn and Kanda was already in pursuit once more, with Timcanpy flopping around helplessly—curled to his arm like it was a ticket to a personal paradise. The little golden golem was steadfastly showing loyalty that only served to make Kanda more likely to snap Allen's head right off his neck if he caught him. God help the white haired little son of a bitch. Though really, the curse affecting Timcanpy wasn't Allen's immediate fault, it was the series of events that led to it and since he couldn't rightly slaughter every scientist involved in the project, he had to go to the next one in blame—never mind that it was he himself that had shot Timcanpy across the room into the experiment to begin with.

"Once I'm done kicking your beansprout ass, I'll be happy to leave you alone! I'll even shove Timcanpy down your fucking throat so you can have it back!"

"The hell you will!" Allen's voice snapped back, ready to defend from the threat of physical harm. If Kanda refused to see reason, then an all out brawl it would be. They'd already shown how much of a stalemate such a display could turn into—in a silly heap, sprawled in mud. If the older male wanted that again, Allen was getting just irritated enough to give it to him. "I left you alone! I didn't do anything to warrant your pissiness!"

"You did everything to warrant it you little fuckass!" Fingers grazed along the defending arm as Kanda sprinted in on him.

"What the hell did I do! I left you alone so you would get less pissed off! Not more! You told me to go the fuck away," Allen voice rose with every word, accentuating the rare swear that he let slip on Kanda's account. "I tried to do just that, and now you're mad at me for it? Make up your mind, BaKanda!"

"Since when the fuck did you give a shit about whether you were annoying me or not! You've been acting like an abnormal twit ever since yesterday. Ever since last night. Suddenly now, you wanna pretend to be polite? Not like that isn't what you always do anyway, but you never bothered with that stupid bullshit expression with me. Suddenly, now I'm going to be subjected to your fake concern and desire to try to make everyone else around you happy?" Kanda's expression seemed to stretch as far as it could in showing his distain. Muscles bunched over his eyes and his jaw tensed, causing the arteries in his neck to pulse more apparently. He was mad enough to want to throw the beansprout out the nearest window and off the blasted tower entirely.

"You can be such a prick, Kanda. It shouldn't surprise me anymore, but some how you still fine ways to be an even bigger asshole than I remembered." Gray eyes dropped coldly into place, glaring over opposite of the black-blue that seemed to hold an underlying fire. "You never even let me be nice to you from the beginning. So what the hell do you know about me? Nothing! You shun everyone off and sit in a pool of your own antisocial assholishness. And even so, I still can't stop myself from caring about you. You won't even let me be your friend!"

Another fist swung around, aimed at the smaller—yet still moving—target. "It is not _my_ fault that you're so fucking retarded that you think I need friends!"

Allen's expression contorted to one of irritation, effectively breaking the strained mask that he had been working to keep in place ever since this little scuffle brawl started. Kanda's fist nearly hit him that time and he took that chance to grab his arm—fingers curled around his elbow. If Kanda wanted to be a giant bitch, then Kanda would get the return treatment. Shifting the weight to his far leg, he strained all of his muscles into flipping the other body right off his feet and over him.

The bigger man dropped over on his back, but he didn't stay down long enough for Allen to get in another word edgewise. Kanda's lightning quick reflexes had his legs curled up under him and pushing him back up before the beansprout could even attempt to hold him down. He was not about to be caught on the floor by this brat again. Not like last time where they'd laid each other out on a heap of dirt to be rained on like fools. Long hair danced around between them in the swish and a pale hand curled up in the black fabric of Allen's sweater. He pulled the younger one to him, glaring him down with fury fueling his responses. "You threatened me with your presence until I returned your golem and yet you lack whatever goddamn conviction you pretended to have."

"Conviction? I did you a favor by leaving you alone!" A near snarl from Allen's lips almost surprised them both. "You didn't want my presence and truthfully, I only did it because I like annoying you. Watching you lose your cool pleases me because it shows just how _human_ you are. Even if you pretend you're not." Gray eyes darted around, taking in every fraction of response. "But it was obvious that we were seriously annoying you so I—"

"Horseshit. Absolute, complete, horseshit. If you had really felt that way, then you would have left me the fuck alone before you came and had a pleasant _dinner_ with us last night."

"Maybe it just took last night for me to realize how much you hate—wait a minute…Why _are _you so damned upset about this? After how you stalked off like an angry hermit, I figured you'd be happy I was leaving you alone!"

Both of Kanda's hands were gripping Allen's collar tight, close to the point of lifting the boy off his feet and Allen offered no immediate protest. If he thought for a moment that his safety was threatened, then he would activate his Innocence and put Kanda in his place—or at least fight the angry bastard off. Allen felt that reasoning with Kanda Yuu was something akin to sticking his head in an oven and hoping he could blow enough air out of his lungs to put the heat out.

But he was beginning to understand Kanda's contorted way of thinking. Despite his constant harping, blame throwing and taunts, Kanda had really never demanded anything of Allen. His biggest complaint was Timcanpy's new found love for everything pertaining to Kanda. Sure, Kanda made threats and screamed to high heavens for him to disappear; but if he had really wanted Allen to leave, he could have easily gotten Allen off his trail.

"…You missed me today didn't you?"

The words slapped Kanda near across the face and he subconsciously lifted Allen from the floor, legs dangling unmoving—before he spontaneously threw the boy down into the floor. In his blanked moment of _kindness_, he made certain to drop Allen flat down on his back. Wordlessly, he loomed over him; a foot stomping down on each side of him.

"B…BaKanda!" Eyes widened when the realization that the angry man was now crouched over him, trapping him beneath him where he could probably put his fists to the use he originally intended upon entered the room.

"You obviously want me to hurt you, since you don't know when to shut your stupid face. I—" A flash of gold directly in his field of vision made Kanda jump a bit, leaning away from his looming intimidation stance. Fluttery gold wrapped around his head and a long thin golden thread curled around his neck. This drew his attention away from immediately harming Allen, to attempting to pry a golem off of his face. "….**Tim…can…py…**"

Pulling at the golem, he growled. Louder and louder his anger echoed in the room and his own twisted sense of humiliate led him to the frustrated howling that followed when he realized that pulling Tim only made it clutch hard. He dropped back and screamed into the golem, pulling the tail until he felt it give and loosen its grip on his face. The golems affections were beginning to really make him want to permanently dismantle Timcanpy.

"_**Goddamnit**_!" Pulling until his own face felt like it was burning, he managed to rip the hard cling and catapult the golem across the room with a fury fueled slam—bouncing the golem like a volley ball into the floor and shooting him into the far wall. Kanda's face contorted with his heaving and he restrained the fire in his throat from erupting and tearing his rage across the room.

"K…Kanda…"

Dark eyes snapped from the angered haze and stared down at the body just below him. IN his frenzy to dislodge Timcanpy, he's wound up straddling over Allen's legs—leaning over him. Narrowing his eyes, he nearly snapped off again—but the look on Allen's face broke him of the thought.

Beansprout's face was flushed red, wide-eyed, and he'd turned his head just after he'd spoken.

_What is this?_

_..._

"….Allen? Kanda?"

The new voice echoed in the room and in his brain before he realized exactly what it meant. The higher pitched voice was laced with something like alarm, before it sauntered off into a surprised daze that led his eyes up to the face that uttered the squeaked names. Lenalee's wide eyes started down at him, shifted to Allen, and then right back to him.

_She doesn't think…. Oh no._

**To Be Continued…**

* * *

><p><em>AN: It's only been forever, and I come back with this lame chapter, but it really was a necessary chapter. I shall work on this one more frequently for all of you. You totally fucked my mind with over 30 reviews on the last chapter alone. You guys are amazing! And I thank you for liking my mediocre work here! Until next time~_


	15. Shadow

**Kiss Me, My Pretty  
><strong>_Part Fifteen_

Silence lingered between the people in the room, elongating until it became stifling and yet no one was willing to break it just yet. A pair of eyes cast over the two young men—poised provocatively on the floor—and the thoughts behind them were traveling to all the wrong places until it became apparent by the growing flush in her cheeks. Natural reaction had her hand trailing up to cover her mouth, watching the two stunned boys.

And it was as if a train hit Kanda, as he set his brain furiously to work to try and come up with the quickest and least ridiculous sounding explanation for why he appeared to be straddling one beansprout of an exorcist. This was just not his day.

Not his week either. Or his month. Fuck it, after the previous days of time, it wasn't even his year. He had decidedly had it. After all was solved and settled away to be forever forgotten—or at least ignored—he was going to shove Mugen down Komui's throat until the man gave him a long, very long, mission that would take him as possibly far away from any witnesses of the last days.

"Uh…" Lenalee's soft voice brought him right out of his humiliated daze and he shot up off Allen like the boy had suddenly become acidic. He stumbled over limbs and created distance between them. He couldn't even stand the way her gaze was shifting between them. It was uncomfortable and he didn't even know how to _begin _to explain that it was not what it looked like. Even he knew that statements like that made it look worse, but heaven help him, nothing was going to make this look good.

"I didn't… know that…"

_No. _

"You guys…"

_NO. _

"Were…you know…"

_NO. TELL HER SHE'S WRONG. _

"It's not what it looks like, Lenalee!" Allen flailed about, scrambling to get up himself. He was disheveled looking—with clothes disarranged and his bleached hair sticking up in all sorts of directions. It looked like absolute horseshit of a defense and Kanda could only stand there with his face blank, trying to consider what would be the most effective method of self termination…permanently.

"You fucking idiot," Kanda grunted, wanting to close the gap to smack him across his thick skull. The stupid brat didn't realize that was the last thing that should be said in a situation like that. It was the one statement that really just kinda…never actually convinced anyone any more. Too many people used that for situations in which it really did mean opposite of intent. So he was about as convincing as saying no while holding a sign saying yes and Lenalee was staring between them with a gleam that made him wonder if anyone was in their right mind. "Hey…"

"So…" She glanced between them. "You two…"

"N…no!"

"Fuck no."

"But…" Her eyes wandered between them and stopped on poor Allen, whose face was flushing pink so obviously on his pale face. It was too bad for him, because Kanda's embarrassment could be easily brushed off. But Allen…Allen was so pale with washed out hair and nothing to save him from that expression either. Then again, Lenalee could just see the way Allen looked at Kanda from even before. This pink faced boy wasn't fooling anyone anymore—especially not since the awkward late-night snack. This brought her to a discussion she'd had with Lavi right after Kanda'd run off. "…It's okay. I won't tell anyone, I promise."

Her hands clapped together, echoing in the room and on the inside of Kanda's now blank skull. He'd already decidedly vacated this entire discussion and wanted to just leave the rest on auto pilot and hope for the best. Unfortunately, he knew this was not going to work.

"Look, woman, there is nothing going on between this beansprout and I. His fucking golem is the cause of all of this!" He growled and turned—nearly jumping to find Timcanpy right on his face—little arms wiggling over his forehead. This thing… This fucking _thing_. The quiet growl turned darker and he swiftly threw his fist into the golem again, catapulting it around the room until it landed in a little heap in a far corner. Luckily, there was nothing it could really break in its bullet-like path.

With exception of Kanda's pride of course, but he assumed that gone when he lost his mind in the wash room.

"Wait! My fault again? You're the one who came barging in here mad because you missed me!" Allen shot back, not realizing just how little his words were going to help their situation. In fact, it was possibly the worst thing he could have said given the glistening way Lenalee was staring between them. She was clearly one of those forbidden romance novel readers, if she was seriously not as disturbed by this as Kanda himself was. In fact, Kanda was so disturbed by it that he didn't even know how to think.

"Missed you! **Missed you**! I didn't fucking miss you! This is all your fault!"

"Yeah, my fault, because you can't calm down and stop being so neurotic! Tim won't bother you of you quit overreacting and I left you alone! What can you possibly be mad about given that?" Allen was nothing short of confused. Kanda didn't know what the hell he wanted and after the trauma he and Lavi had given him, he wanted to kindly stay out of Kanda's way. But even that hadn't really worked, because he was hunted down by a ferocious beast named Kanda Yuu.

"If you weren't such a fuckin klutz, your stupid yellow pet wouldn't have even bothered me to begin with!"

"He's gold!"

"…Suck my dick, moyashi! Yellow, gold, tan, light shit colored, I don't care! You're missing the point. If you would learn to not suck at everything then I would have gone on about my business with having that damned thing or you creeping on my territory."

"Tim was doing the creeping, I was not!" Allen cried in defense of himself. He'd only started to feel like he was getting attached at about the point when he buggered off. He really didn't need to get his feelings into something that would obviously back hand him first. Being Kanda's friend wasn't likely. Let alone showing any sort of affection. It was Kanda's fault. He was always intrigued by Kanda, but seeing so much of him unrelated to a mission didn't help at all.

"No, you fuckin ran off before you could creep. But not before saying stupid mushy bullshit." Kanda sneered, unpleasantly, recalling the way he'd so carelessly spewed all that.

"…That was not bullshit. I do care about you. You just don't let people! You pushed me away within the first ten minutes of meeting me and I still don't know why. First impressions sticking never seemed like something you would do. Can you blame me for trying to mend that? I don't want you to hate me!"

"Well backing the fuck down when you say you're going to do something is not the way to make me hate you less. This creature is your responsibility and you made a big annoying spectacle about not leaving me alone until it was turned back over to you. Then you get fuckin weird and vanish. Make up your mind or just don't talk at all."

"Wait wait, so that's really your problem, Kanda!" Allen's fingers curled into an annoyed fist. He was teetering between angry and exasperated. Kanda didn't know what he wanted and he was going to pitch a fit no matter how this turned out; but no matter, Allen had had enough. "Okay Kanda. If that's what you really want then you're stuck with me until I get Tim back. And I mean stuck with me. I hope your bed is big enough for two." He leered at the dark-haired man challengingly.

"Oh fuck no. I didn't say you could fuck up my evenings too."

"You wanted me to stick to my convictions, didn't you? Since you can't just admit that you missed me… But it's okay. You don't have to miss me until I get Tim back, because you can now consider me your damned shadow!"

Kanda's face reflected the welling anger in his soul and he growled again. This was quickly coming back to bite him in the ass and legitimately, he didn't know why Allen's absence pissed him off. It just did. After an entire day spent with the little shit attached to him like an oversized mosquito, he'd actually gotten accustomed to having something to yell at. Or hit. Or blame for all of his miseries. "It's bad enough this woman thinks something's going on, you shit face, don't make it worse," he finally yelled—casting the first glance since they'd begun arguing.

He could almost see the stars in Lenalee's eyes at the way they were mangling words and hurling them at each other like razor edged Frisbees. The fuck was wrong with these people. He had once been under an impression that Lenalee liked that beansprout. But now he was just wondering if she was more interested in this elicit affair he and beansprout were apparently having.

Some part of him wished he made the same horrified expression at that thought that he did when he thought about Lavi. _Fuck._

"You didn't like it when I left you alone, so now I'll be up your ass further than the stick that's been implanted since birth," Allen shot back. The little bastard was actually smirking now. Did he not care about how that looked?

Obviously not.

"This is not what it sounds like," he stared at Lenalee deadpanned and inwardly bludgeoning himself with his own brain. The very fact that he'd spoken it made him vomit a little in his soul. He'd need to hire a janitor to fix this problem if it didn't stop any time soon.

Timcanpy floated back around and unceremoniously dropped down into Kanda's hair—bouncing about with the vigor it held before it had been slammed across the room.

"Thank you for your input, Timcanpy. But go suck a dick," he growled and swatted the thing away again, only to have it flutter back with it's creepy little mouth open and spitting colors at him. It was a different behavior and it confused him a bit. What the hell was beansprout's creature even doing now? The stupid thing has almost become something he was used to at this point but…

What the f—

"**Oh hell no! I wasn't being literal. Stay at fucking eye level with me, shit bag**!" The angry voice howled in time with the foot that kicked into the golden golem's clay body—sending it on a pop fly across the room once more.

And of course…the beansprout was in tears of laughter behind him.

This just wasn't his day, week, month, year, decade…**or life**.

**_To Be Continued…_**

* * *

><p><em>AN: Sorry for any typos! Oh boy, I read some of the earlier chapters and ouch. I need to do some serious editing to uncheese this thing. It seems to be getting better though. I think I need more quality TimKanda action. How do you guys feel about the progress of this?_


	16. Sleep

**Kiss Me, My Pretty  
><strong>_Part Sixteen_

"Moyashi."

"Hn, what."

"You're going to lose that goddamned foot if you don't get it out of my face."

"It's not my fault you refuse to let me sleep the normal way," said moyashi huffed back from his position—head at the foot of the bed, casually propped on a pillow and sprawled until his feet had snuggled under Kanda's pillow. Until Kanda moved, of course. It wasn't his fault that Kanda wouldn't sit still long enough for him to keep his position and fall asleep. When he'd told the man that he was a shadow, he'd been serious. He was just that irked with him that he was spiting him with every bit of grudge holding ability he could muster. Which, really, wasn't a lot; but he was working to keep it up. At a certain point it had actually become something of an entertainment.

"I don't want your ugly mug that close to my face, retard. I don't want you in my fucking bed and if you weren't against the wall, I would kick you across the room."

"You could kick me out any time you want, Kanda."

"Yeah, I already tried that. You picked my lock. Then I jammed my lock, and you scratched at my door. How the fuck can I sleep with you fucking meowing at my door and I said get your foot out of my fucking face!"

"I'm sorry, this bed is small," Allen whined—just to be as annoying as humanly possible.

"This bed is meant for one person. I told you forty fuckin times now. I just want to go the fuck to sleep, now sleep or I will shove my fist so far up your ass it breaks your spine."

"Oh, Kanda, I didn't know you were into that sort of thing. I just don't think I'm ready for that sort of commitment," Allen snickered from his end of the bed before Kanda's foot slammed into his shoulder and he winced and rolled into the wall.

"You think you're funny, but looks don't fuckin count. Now shut the fuck up. And sleep. I don't want to pay a second more of my rest to you being an obsessed little creep." Kanda rolled the other way, facing out toward the room.

"I'm not an obsessed little creepy and—what was that? Was that you?" Allen flustered at the sudden movement under the blanket.

"Just ignore it," a sigh followed and Kanda grumbled, resting his head on his arm—folded under him. "It's just Timcanpy."

"Kanda… You're not concerned about a moving lump flopping about near your backside?"

"You yourself said it was just a golem."

The snarl that left Kanda as he gave respons, was bordering on lazy.  
>He really wasn't tired, but his desire to see the day over outweighed the desire to be awake. He would make a goal to lose the moyashi and lock himself away in a room where the little idiot wouldn't find him. Then there was Timcanpy. It was taking everything in him not to throw the covers off and fling Tim right out the window and board the window up so he couldn't come back. It was just unfortunate that the idiot brit was jammed between he and the wall.<p>

It was unfortunate, because Timcanpy was now wedged between them, just cuddling around at his thigh and trying to bury itself under him like a broken retard golem. As long as the defected dipshit kept out of his personal region, he wouldn't have to breathe fire—although, he was starting to feel the burn in his chest.

It had already been a trying day since Allen decided he was now chained to Kanda. His meal had become a game of dodging falling plates because the idiot couldn't contain his growing pile of post-feasting dinnerware. This was all while fighting off a sweet toothed golem who had managed to roll in powdered sugar and then attempt to love all down his chest under his shirt. There was a disturbed part of him that was at least thankful that it was not syrup, but just dry sugar. The idea of stickiness under his shirt didn't settle well with him.

That had, unfortunately, led him to require a bath and that brought back the uncomfortable situation of Allen and Kanda being in the same bath. This time, thankfully had been much less traumatizing and with one hundred percent less Lavi. Lavi had been the real problem he'd really believed; because while Allen and Kanda did tumble and fight, they at least kept it to a steady rate of rowdy. Lavi was a mixed bag of things that could make Kanda irritated or really furious—it all depended on the situation.

Lavi was of course warned that Kanda would kill him into the end of time if he didn't leave him alone for a set amount of time and Kanda never really exacted when that would end—so he was hoping that the redhead would take that as a 'forever' and vanish from the existence that he knew.

"Yeah, I know I said that, but you're hardly logical to begin with."

And of course, this was the reminder that he had essentially traded Lavi's presence for the moyashi's. He could easily admit that Allen was less annoying to the point of actual desire to murder than Lavi was; but the situation causing him to have the little fool cramping up his bed, filled in the holes Lavi seemed to have left.

"Get your face off my foot."

"But your foot is warm."

"Yes and so is a fresh pile of shit, why don't you go hug that?"

"Because there isn't a fresh pile of shit available and everything that comes out of your mouth—while qualifying as shit—isn't warm so it doesn't count. Besides, how do I hug words anyway?"

"You shut the fuck up and keep them keep in your chest and hug them the fuck in until we're done sleeping."

"But we haven't even started sleeping anyway."

"Because you won't stop talki-**Timcanpy no! Stop that**." His convincing angry grunting had turned much less composed, and he had to turn over, nearly lying on Allen's ankle. If he ended up injuring the man's leg because of the golem, then he was going to chalk that right up to poetic justice.

Allen leaned up though, and retracted his leg from nearly under Kanda. "What happened? Kanda?"

"Ah, fuck, Tim, stop, stop no," he ignored Allen and rolled a bit to try and shake Timcanpy out of his sleep clothes. There were only so many things he could allow and Timcanpy was snuggling right up to things that he was not going to continue to snuggle right up to. Not if his dignity had anything to do with it.

"Kanda?"

"He's in my fuckin pants, dipshit," Kanda roared, nearly kicking Allen's face before he arched one leg over Allen to get the leverage to try to reach in and evacuate the nonliving pervert. The back of his heel was digging into Allen's side and he didn't care. It was the little shit ass's fault for camping out in his one person bed. And the only reason he'd even finally agreed to not end his life and just concede, was because he was promised that Allen would finally shut the fuck up.

Which did not happen at all.

"K…Kanda, you're crushing me," Allen groaned from under him at the sudden body shift. The only way Kanda was getting Timcanpy out was to stretch his body, but that was currently breaking Allen's ribs slowly.

"You can sleep it off," the hiss came back and Allen fought the urge to groan, blush and cackle at the fact that Kanda's hand was way down his pants. He was struggling so hard to get a good grip on a moving target and this was why Allen thought Kanda should wear tighter pants.

His only reason.

Yeah.

"Kanda, just take your pants off!"

Kanda immediately bellowed, "NO. You want that too much!" He didn't actually know or believe that was the truth, but it was the only quick comeback he had to deliver. Tim's tail was trailed down his thigh and he really had no idea how Tim managed to get _in_ his pants.

"Stop thrashing you retard!"

"I can't help he's—**AUGHHHHGAH**!"

"Kanda!?" Allen squeaked helplessly watching the bigger man fumble about and erupt into an angry—yet horrified—yowl. Whatever had just happened, it resulted in Kanda's sudden, swift pants removal, followed by a graceful roll off the bed. With a loud thump and the pull of the blanket clear off the bed, Kanda disappeared from Allen's vision.

He, however, did not stay gone from his vision and popped back up with the blanket wrapped about him haphazardly. He had a scream prepared on his tongue and Timcanpy in the free hand. Allen was sure Kanda was in the middle of having a stroke.

"…Kanda?"

"**This is unacceptable. Un—fucking—acceptable**!"

Allen sighed and leaned over on his arm, watching Kanda use the golem as a stress ball. "What the hell happened?"

"**HE. LICKED. ME**."

"But he does that all the-OH."

"Yes, _oh_. This is…this is not going to motherfucking work for me!" The heated growl turned fierce and Kanda unabashedly let go of the blanket and threw the golem into it. Bending with the maintained fury, he rolled the blanket up and tied the loose ends before throwing it against the far wall—trapping Tim in the fabric. He'd had enough. Fuck being nice to it. "Roll the fuck back over, moyashi." The man demanded while he busied himself with slipping back into his pants.

"You're not gonna…"

"No. Shut up. You will fuckin lay there silently and you will fuckin sleep with me like nothing just fuckin happened."

"…" Allen made a face that could be the only response to that in the world. "…O…okay."

Kanda pulled a smaller sheet from under his bed and tossed it across the bed before he decided to move on to the twin sized mattress again—head facing opposite of Allen's because he was not sharing a bed with the little shit stain like _that._ It was bad enough there was bed sharing at all and—

"_Fuck._ I didn't mean that like it sounded."

Allen laughed at him again—and promptly received a foot in his face.

**To Be Continued…**

* * *

><p><em>AN: Jesus, I feel like I'm slipping on everything lately. It might be because it's 5am or something, but I hope this chapter has maintained the proper essence of the Kanda torture this thing started with. I do thank everyone who has review and those who may. It's still hilarious to think I've got the only big one of this sad sick little pairing._

_it's so sexy rite._

_Yeah._


	17. His Pants

**Kiss Me, My Pretty**  
><em>Part Seventeen<em>

Kanda woke up to a face full of yellow and it took him all of that split second to recognize that he would already hate this day just as much as the last many. Timcanpy, in all his golden glory, was flopped over on his cheek—his damnable little tail limp across his face. For a moment, Kanda hoped this meant that the stupid thing died in mid-harass; but that hope was instantly extinguished when he moved and Tim sprung back to life. The faceless little thing perked up and had the nerve to use his tail to grip Kanda's face to right itself. Kanda was a second away from introducing the little bastard to the dark brick of the opposite wall.

The only thing that stopped his hand from balling up and pounding it into the mortar was the movement at his side; the movement of another pain in his ass that he was just about sick of seeing. How many mornings would he have to be greeted by that dumb face, he didn't want to consider.

He also didn't want to consider that he turned his head and actually was literally greeted with his face. Two slate-gray eyes blinked wearily at him—clearing the fog of sleep out of them. Kanda wasn't quite sure that Allen was awake enough to realize he was staring directly at him.

"Didn't I fuckin' tell you to sleep with your head in the other direction?" He questioned, squeezing Timcanpy as if the little shithead could work the stress out of him by being compressed.

"I didn't move, Kanda, you rolled around in your sleep and I have the bruises to prove it! You were the one who decided to change positions."

"You're full of shit."

"I'm pressed against the wall!"

"You're also cursed, with a freak hand and an ugly face, you can make things happen. Fuckin' witch, aren't they supposed to burn your kind?" Kanda grumbled and rolled back over on his side. He figured if he didn't get out of the bed yet, then he wouldn't have to acknowledge the day entirely. Actually, he was more than considering just sleeping until Timcanpy decided it wasn't going to be stupid anymore. Or at least until the antidote to fix it was found. There were only so many times he was willing to let his personal business be invaded by an animate rock with wings.

"That's the best you have? You're not very quick in the mornings, Kanda. Well, hah, you're not very quick at all anyway, but still," Allen chuckled moved to sit up in the tiny bed. "I feel bad for anyone who ever has to share a bed with you." He rubbed his sore muscles from being rolled on by Kanda. He'd never seen Kanda so active while sleeping and he only assumed it had to do with Timcanpy's constant shifting. "I'm really stiff."

Kanda grumbled, his voice travelling into the room, "I'm sure you are, you fuckin homo. Now get out, I need to exist without you in my line of sight."

Allen leaned over Kanda, but not enough to be seen—just enough to be felt and be annoying about it. "I'm not in your line of sight anyway."

"You know what I mean," the reclined man turned to give the little fool a heated glare. The heated glare died really quickly when he saw Allen's face. It wasn't what he was expecting to see at all. He was expecting an annoying, toothy grin—yet that was not what his eyes caught. The lack of smile was quickly fixed, though; and Kanda had to question himself in that split second and wonder if he'd seen what he thought he had. "Augh."

He grunted and rolled out of the bed in place of his demands for Allen to vanish. If the younger brat wouldn't move, then he would. He'd hop around and get dressed and fend off the annoyance like usual.

"You know, if you'd wear tighter pants, Timcanpy wouldn't be able to get in them." Allen's voice was accompanied by the squealing of the springs in the old mattress as he worked his way to the edge of the bed—tousling the sheets all across the bed.

"Tighter pants? The hell tighter pants, then I'll have him rubbing on my dick from the outside and then people will have to actually witness me being fondled by an animate pile of shit that shouldn't be animate."

"At least he wouldn't be licking it. Though I'm pretty sure you could use the release—masturbate more, will you—I think the rubbing bit is better than him trying to swallow your things."

"I want my shit to breathe, thank you. I'm not like that red-haired assclown and enjoy having to peel my pants off with pliers. I also don't like having to shove my shit up my ass to wear pant—and did you just tell me to masturbate?" Kanda turned around at the realization and stared at Allen, who was nearly spilling out of the bed with his lazy desire not to get up just yet.

Allen's face was almost in the mattress again from the way he'd drooped forward and laid there—not willing to move. He was tired and a bit sore and he didn't care that he was staring at Kanda's barely clothed body—or that he was about to watch the man change pants and be naked again. He'd already seen everything anyway. "I bet if you self soothed a bit, the stick might loosen up and we could finagle it out of your rectum. Or then again, maybe it'll just push it deeper. I guess it depend on how you—."

"Shut up," Kanda snapped and shook his head, looking through a couple pairs of pants to check the tags. He'd give Allen the benefit of the doubt for about as much as he would admit. Unfortunately, he usually destroyed his clothes and didn't exactly have too many to choose from when it came to smaller things. That would require that he still have his old clothes and that wasn't a thing. "I'm borrowing your pants," he announced—really annoyed that he could even say that and pick up the boys slacks at the same time. The fact that this little shithead was sleeping in his room was more than bad enough.

The flash of yellow from his left was not unnoticed, but he ignored it. If he didn't give Timcanpy attention, though, it would get his attention the hard way. After several long—and rather painful moments—he turned to face it. The golem fluttered in front of him and wiggled its arms and waved its tail like it was trying to impress him or something.

"You're not a peacock; don't try to look beautiful to seduce me. It's not working."

Tim's tail flickered a bit more and the golem flitted about his head frantically, before diving into Allen's empty pair of pants—the same pair that Kanda was currently holding.

"Man, he's ready for you, Kanda."

"Why don't you go hop a train to the country of 'eat shit and die', beansprout. I didn't ask for your commentary."

"Tim, come on, you don't want in my pants," Allen offered his voice; a polite attempt to be helpful—and a politely failing one at that. "Tim…"

"He's not listening to you anymore. Sorry beansprout, he's in love with _me_," his voice was almost mocking and it felt a little good to condescend Allen's attempts—and the fact that Allen's precious sidekick still wanted nothing to do with him. "Now, get out you little flying paper weight, I have to get in beansprout's pants and that doesn't include you."

Timcanpy fumbled around the inside of the black slacks until he rolled right down into a pant leg. He crawled out the bottom and hopped along the floor a moment before bouncing right up to the bed—moving with enough velocity that he collided with Allen's head unintentionally hard and making the teen exhale a loud, pained grunt. While Allen was recovering from a minor golem related injury, Kanda had taken the opportunity to slip out of one pair and into the beansprout's pants—having to almost wiggle to get them to slide all the way up.

They weren't so tight that he couldn't move, but they were tight—they were hugging his body like leggings and his thighs were being choked a bit. At the waist, he had more room; but his hips felt caught in a vice. It made him frown, because that meant Allen was less hip and more thickness in his middle. He refused to think he was curvier than that little dipshit, but the hips didn't lie.

"Your pants are really fuckin' out of whack here."

"What do you mean, out of whack?" Allen questioned, finally sitting back up and moving off to the edge of the bed so he could start getting himself ready for the day. "They fit me just fine."

"Yeah, but they're tight on the thighs, tight on the hips and yet the waist is fine. The legs are too. What are you built like a straight board?"

"Or maybe your perfect hourglass figure can't handle my britches, Kanda," Allen snickered; using his hands to wave in the shape of an hour glass in front of him. "Maybe just get a bigger belt and tie your pant legs? Then you won't have to wear my pants?"

Kanda's brows furrowed in annoyance as they settle back on the messy haired idiot in his bed, "you could have suggested that before I painted you pants on my body."

Timcanpy rolled around and settled on Allen's shoulder—acknowledging his actual master for about as long as it took to secure his place; before he turned his attention back to the object of his affection. Allen was exasperated by this now and he almost flicked the golem himself, turning his head to frown at it. "I didn't think about it until now."

"Well now your dumbass can help me get them off. You can do this, but I'm afraid if I bend a leg, I'll crush everything down there and that's not gonna work for me."

"Just tuck it up."

"I don't have room to tuck it up, it's like a fucking vice, you fool."

"Fine, fine, don't be such a girl about this," Allen shook his head, disrupting Timcanpy's wing fluttering—a thing that Kanda was intensely ignoring. He really didn't want to give that golem any reason to keep trying these dumb tactics and he really didn't want to even look at it period. Allen wasn't too stupid to see that. "Tim, stop or go find another bench," Allen hissed slowly—only to receive Tim's strange little tongue across his cheek. "Yes, thank you for licking me, now you can put your tongue back and save it for Kand-aaAAh!"

"What?"

Allen plucked Timcanpy off him and threw him at Kanda—who caught he little stressball with ease. The pale-haired boy by the bed made a disgusted face and wiped his cheek a few times. "He licked me after he licked your—."

"Hah," Kanda barked derisively, "but damn, what a little slut."

**To be Continued…**

* * *

><p><em>AN: Been a while eh? Sorry about that loves! I got side tracked with a few other things and I let this one sink a bit. As I promised to some of my tumblr friends, I will try to be more active with this one. Thanks for sticking with me if you haven't left!_


	18. Assumption

**Kiss Me, My Pretty  
><strong>_Part Eighteen_

"That was really awkward, wasn't it?" Allen chuckled lightly—a trace of embarrassment laced into his easy tone. Kanda almost spun on his heel to give the boy the double middle fingers for his need to make obvious statements. Awkward wasn't even the word for it. Awkward was dropping your plate in the middle of the cafeteria. Awkward was accidentally calling someone by the wrong name. Awkward was having a red-headed idiot walk in on you in the washroom ten seconds too early and then ducking out to pretend he didn't see where your hand was.

That was _awkward_.

What they just walked away from was _mortifying. _He was stuck in an endless cycle of "wrong place, at the wrong time" and it was just about getting him furious enough to start hurting things. Some tiny part of his mind toyed with the idea of taking Timcanpy alone in a room and just wasting out his energy beating the unkillable thing to death repeatedly. Tim would keep putting himself back together and he'd be less likely to implode and bleed brain matter out of his ears.

He grit his teeth as they walked, the sound of Allen's heeled boots grating on his nerves more than his teeth were in their violent gnashing. "Awkward? That's what we're calling this now?"

"Well…" Allen hesitated, lengthening his steps with Kanda's. Timcanpy floated around between them, looking agitated for a change—and a little insistent on Allen keeping several paces behind his precious love interest. He didn't know whether to laugh or cry, because Tim was being so possessive now that they'd passed that really awkward thing that just happened in Kanda's room. "It…was…"

"It was more than awkward, you stupid little shit," the man hissed and kicked the door leading outside. It swung open, nearly cracking against the heavy slam of his boot. Kanda's hand turned back with a flick and aimed to slam the door right into Allen.

Allen jumped back, seeing this action and not being in the least bit surprised by it. It was just like Kanda to take his discomfort out on him, so he'd been wary of it from the time they scrambled out of the room until he saw a door moving in on him. Despite stepping out of the way, the door never slammed and it left Allen a tad curious, because he should have cracked against the frame like when Kanda usually went around abusing poor architectural features.

"Oh goddamn it," Allen heard from the other side of the wobbling door. The door flew back open and Tim flopped to the floor and rolled, looking positively crushed. No, literally, his side was crunched in and he flailed on the floor and tried to roll the crushed part out of his little body. "Really, could you not just fly out of the way?"

Timcanpy fluttered his wings and lied there on the little doorstep pitifully. It made Allen want to scoop him up and smooth over his sadness—but then he remembered that Tim was just a golem and he'd get over it as soon as the moment passed. Still, the way he just inched across the floor closer to Kanda made him want to kick the door into Kanda. Allen really just did not want that fight right away.

Allen opened his mouth to snap a comment, but he stopped when he saw Kanda kneel and stare at the sad little thing. "Are you going to get up now? You're not hurt. I will give you ten seconds before I walk away."

Tim just rolled on his side and wiggled his stumpy little legs at Kanda. The motion was less miserable and sillier, because his tail bounced against the step vigorously. Either Tim really didn't understand Kanda's command or he was ignoring him and choosing to play instead. That was pretty much the exact opposite of what Kanda's words had meant and he just frowned heatedly at Timcanpy. "I said ten seconds and you fuckin roll over. Are you as stupid as your master?" He grumbled, prodding a finger at Tim's pliant little belly.

"Hey!"

"Well you are stupid," Kanda snapped, turning his head and shifting his attention away from Timcanpy—leaning lightly on his bent knee. "Thanks to you, that red-haired buffoon is under the impression that you were undressing me."

"But…I was…"

"But not like that!" He curled his fingers around Tim and lifted the stupid thing as he stood. He squeezed him in his fist slightly; enjoying the way he kinda squirmed in his clutch—tail wagging helplessly. It felt like he was crushing a tiny animal without the broken morals of actually crushing a tiny animal. He took no delight in harming animals, but sometimes he was unsettled enough to wish he was that fucked up. Tim was the perfect in between.

"It's not my fault your big ass stretched my pants, okay?! If you were built more like a man this wouldn't be a problem!" Allen goaded, knowing full well that Kanda wasn't actually feminine by any stretch of the imagination. It was just the easiest button to press. Really, he was embarrassed too. Lavi had walked in on the most incriminating scene in the world and it wasn't anything like that it looked. Not that statements like those helped them any. That Allen was in his room was strange all together, he was sure. He wasn't wearing his pants, just sleep shorts, and he was pulling his pants off Kanda's legs. Kanda had been on the bed, bracing himself for Allen to wrench them off because Allen was sure Kanda would rip them if he tried; and from the position of the door, it must have looked really bad and…He sighed. "We'll just tell him exactly what happened!"

"That your fucking golem was down my pants trying to suck my dick so I crammed myself into your ass-lacking pants? How fucking ridiculous is that!" Kanda threw Timcanpy at Allen hard enough to make the boy step back and guard with his arm. "I'd rather he just think _you_ were trying to suck my dick because at least then I'm getting tangled up wrongly with the same fucking species!"

Allen's jaw snapped closed and he stared silently at Kanda, seriously not knowing how to respond to Kanda's outburst. _This _was a grand example of _awkward_ if Allen ever saw one, because Kanda was the patron saint of not realizing how badly he worded things and how crude he could be without meaning to. Then there was the awkward thought that he wasn't sure Kanda had quite realized that Lavi… "Ahm…Kanda, I think that's exactly what he assumed was going on."

The look on Kanda's face would have been picture worthy if it didn't worry Allen. Had he really not considered that? The man's eyes reverted to their normal scathing glare, but it was clear he was thinking. "Don't be fucking ridiculous, he just saw you _undressing me_."

"Yes, but I was also obstructing his view from where I was…" Allen pressed, not really sure if it was a good idea to really be laying it out plainly for Kanda. There was no way Lavi would have had the reaction he had if he hadn't thought it significantly worse than what was happening. Lavi had bolted so quickly it was terrifying and that was after all the shenanigans in the bath and seeing Kanda nearly straddling Allen when they fought. Allen snagging pants off him seemed a little too mild. "And like…We were all naked in the bath together so…why would he react that strongly…you know…Kanda?"

Kanda's hand was nearly crushing Timcanpy worse than his run in with the door and the golem flailed about for a moment, stopped, then flailed some more. Tim was feeling the gears turning in Kanda's head by how hard he squeezed. "So you're telling me there's a possibility that we just let Lavi free…with the assumption that he thinks you were in my room giving me head."

Allen's face felt unusually warm by the way Kanda's tongue brushed over those words, but undeniably, it was an accurate statement. "Yeah, that's probably right."

"God…" A loud crunch and the slam of the door startled Allen and he moved back—not realizing Kanda's foot had collided with the door. It was such a swift motion that he'd gotten too lazy to follow. "**Damnit!**" Kanda screamed through the door and he was loud enough to make Allen cringe.

He couldn't help what Lavi thought, though neither of them had been quick enough to correct the assumptious redhead. Instead of placing too much thought on it, Allen opened the door to face Kanda's grumbling again. He was standing there in front of the door with Tim in his hands—squeezing the life out of him. The golem was belly up with his wings flapping about and Kanda had both of his thumbs pressing into Tim's belly enough to leave indents.

"This is your fault you little shit," he hissed at Tim and for just a moment, Allen thought it was really adorable, because Kanda wasn't smashing his fist into him anymore—just sitting there flattening him in the most disgruntled manner. "I have fucking ties around my legs because of you and this is ridiculous." He threw Tim into the floor at his feet like a child having a temper tantrum. "Hey, beansprout, we're going to track down that idiot and explain what he _didn't see_."

"…Kanda…is that really…"

Yes, it was. Kanda had had enough. He'd been abused way too much already and this sort of lurid thing hanging over him was just not even fair anymore. "Yes it's necessary, it's very necessary. He thinks…even _she_ thinks we're having some elicit affair and I'm glad they're accepting of the taboo same sex coupling, but I wouldn't same-sex couple with you if you were the best lay on the planet!"

"What if I was the _last person_ on the planet? Because, honestly, you don't strike me as someone who's ever had good sex to even know what it's like, if you've had it at all…which I supremely doubt with how much of a crabby asshat you are. You know, maybe you ought to take Tim up on his offer," Allen spat back, more annoyed than he should have been given the circumstance. Kanda really didn't have to take shots at him at every chance he could.

Kanda's eyes glittered maliciously and he curled his hands into tight fists, ready to smack the shit out of Allen. He drew every ounce of self control he had to not just slam his beansprout head in the door repeatedly. "You realize that if you weren't such a dunce, this wouldn't be an issue. It's already enough to have you in my personal space, but then you have to ridicule my personal life like it's any of your goddamned business…Fucking Christ how many times do I have to say this?"

"I don't know; why you don't try saying new things, for a change? I get it, I made a mistake, but if you recall, _you _threw Tim into the concoction, not me!"

"Because you tried to boil me!"

"That'd be the warmest you've ever been!"

"I'm about to warm my foot up your ass if you don't knock that shit off!"

"Go ahead, Kanda. Make me," Allen screamed back at him, getting in his face in the same manner that Kanda was. The two of them were almost nose to nose and twitching with the furious urge to pummel each other right there. That wasn't unusual, but it was strong and it was still early. At least before it took them a little longer than this.

"I—" A flash of yellow cut Kanda off abruptly and both of them lost sight of the argument when Timcanpy wedged himself between their faces, his faceless body cramming itself between flaring noses. Kanda's jaw visibly tightened, but neither of them moved because they were both possibly too surprised by the damned creature snuggling between their faces.

"Oh that's just nice," Allen grunted, with a sigh. "I get the butt."

"Serves you right," Kanda grunted and tried to uncurl Tim's tail from his wrist absently before pulling his face away. He dangled the damned thing and forced himself to cool down from his frustration. There was something completely deflating about having a squishy ball mushing his face. He found it someone hard to keep the insults strong toward Allen when he was more or less internally chuckling that Allen had, in fact, gotten the ass end of his own golem. "Now let's just fucking go…or rather, I'm leaving, with or without you."

"I already told you—."

"I don't care what you told me, beansprout," Kanda waved in a near swat at his face, turning to leave out the door he'd been trying to go out all along. He stopped, blood draining out of his face when he turned eyes on a flash of red, only to catch Lavi in his sight just a split second later off to the side—staring at them with clearly expressed interest. Just after they'd pretty much been in each other's faces with Tim fluffed between them.

_GREAT. _

"You guys…" Lavi started and Kanda jumped on him quickly.

"**Don't. Don't you do it. Stop**."

"Need to…"

"**NO**."

"Really stop…"

"_He's going to kill you, Lavi_!"

"Doing things…"

"_Lavi_!"

"In public."

Allen ran to catch Kanda before he could wrap his hands around the older man's neck and shake him vigorously. Lavi had pressed Kanda's buttons the moment he walked in his room without permission, but to antagonize a stupid fight like it wasn't just a stupid fight was just asking for it. Allen was at least a hundred-fifty percent sure Lavi was doing everything he was doing on purpose, but he didn't want to think Lavi was that suicidal. "Kanda, oh my god, stop! He's going to die!" He cried, pulling Kanda's arm to help Lavi slip away. He was impressed that Kanda had been able to dart over and attack him that swiftly.

"**That's the idea!**" He retorted, even if his grip weakened and he started to cool off. Timcanpy was floating above Lavi's head biting at the man's flaming hair and probably putting teeth marks in his skull.

That was amusing enough to make Kanda smirk, even if it was only for a split second.

**To Be Continued…**

* * *

><p><em>AN: These boys haven't even realized how much they talk about Kanda's personal business. Do I need to change the rating of this? I know there's nothing really explicit, just conversation, but I'd rather make sure._


End file.
